Ever wondered what it would be like to party with a bunch of hedgies? Besides the obvious—Loeb is a mean drunk,* Hudson claims he has no idea why he woke up wearing a skirt and heels,* Griffin is always suspiciously missing when it’s his turn to pick up the round*—there’s not that much in the public records about what doing lines off of a HF manger’s girlfriend’s girlfriend’s exquisitely sculpted (and handsomely paid for) breasts feels like (Stevie Cohen owns the rights to publish those photographs).**
Thanks to hedge fund manager Saleem Siddiqi, who threw a soiree for his HF friends (in the name of charity) we’ve now got a hazy picture of what a bitchin’ time we’re scheduled to have with James Simons next Thursday (quant guys always have the best acid). Let’s take a look.
*Libel lawyers please note : We're kidding around here. Obviously we've never actually seen Loeb drunk, Hudson in drag and, for all we know, Griffin might totally be generous when it comes to buying shots for the table.
**Yeah, sorry, we also made up that thing about Cohen. The guy has lots of pictures but we don't really think he owns the rights to those ones.
Hedgies are all just brosefs at heart.
"These are people I've made multi-millionaires, these are my guys," says hedge fund founder Saleem Siddiqi enthusiastically.
These parties are more exclusive than anything at Milk and Honey, but less so than that bar without a name below the old police headquarters.
Taking place at the plush Café de Paris nightclub off Leicester Square, it isn't an event you would have found in any listings guide.
Instead, this is an exclusive invitation-only concert for hedge fund managers by hedge fund managers, the go-getting but mysterious investment bankers who some say are taking over the world.
There’s usually an open bar.
And as more than 500 of their industry colleagues throng the free bar before the first act goes on stage, the collective wealth below the chandeliers of the opulent ballroom is hard to fathom.
Just because they work at hedge funds, doesn’t mean there won’t be awkwardness tomorrow when Greg and Rachel run into each other at the Xerox machine and have flashbacks to the 3 minutes of sex and two hours of crying (on Greg’s part) last night.
Not that a member of the public would be able to guess, however - if they had managed to get past the strict security on the door. To the untrained eye it looks like a typically boozy office party.
Hedgies eschew fuck me boots and festive ties.
The wives, girlfriends and female workers may look decidedly glamorous in their posh frocks, but the men, who outnumber them by about three to one, look rather more down-to-earth.
Aged from early 30's and upwards, most of the men are dressed in a combination of a suit jacket and more casual trousers, unbuttoned shirts tucked in. You'd be hard pressed to guess that most of them could buy the building.
You know how sometimes hedge fund guys are jerks during business hours? Not so when you get them liquored up!
They may be high-powered, super-wealthy go-getters in their day job, but as musicians they have a teenage-like enthusiasm for "rocking out". Even the band members are self-effacing.
Though, as they say, a tiger can’t hide its stripes.
At least before they get up on stage and the showmanship gets the better of them.
No Chris, it is your midlife crisis.
"Playing guitar is kinda like my midlife crisis," says Chris Heasman of Lazard Asset Management, who together with his fellow bandmates have flown over for the gig from New York.