Just Say No (6 Hours Before The Heroin Test)

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I’m about to re-report something from Reuters that’s going to blow your fucking mind: bankers do drugs. Yes, taking a cue from the New York Times, the news service notes that there’s a good chance the guy sitting next to you is coked out of his skull right now. No one’s quite sure what begets what—do bankers on blow (Ritalin, Adderall) make profits rise or do high profits cause banker to do blow (Ritalin, Adderall), but they’re pretty sure Wall Street’s constant, overbearing emphasis on making money is “keeping drug dealers busy…ruining careers, tearing apart families,” and causing genocide in the Sudan.
Morgan Stanley spokeswoman Jean Marie McFadden said, “To my knowledge, we have not seen an uptick in drug use,” which sounds incredibly convincing. Convicted drug dealer Juan Rodriguez noted that many of his (“former”) clients “were” Morgan Stanley bankers, who “never complained about the price of cocaine.” And why should they? Morgan Stanley’s Q2 net income jumped 40% from last year to $2.58bn or $2.45 a share. The results handily beat the consensus analyst estimate of $2.01 a share. Morgan Stanley’s Q2 revenue jumped 32% from last year to $11.52bn and beat the analyst estimate of $10.03bn.
Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Citigroup, JPMorgan & Chase Co. and Bear Stearns all declined to comment on their drug use.
A hiring manager at one of the reticent five, though, did helpfully point out that while new staff must take a urine test, new hires are allowed to choose when they would like to undergo the cup during a 45-day period prior to their start date. “Our drug test is not so much a test of whether you actually take drugs as it is an intelligence test to see if you can figure out how long it takes to get traces of the drug out of your system," he said.
Looking to land a position at Goldman but metabolically absent minded? We’ve provided some info. Don’t say we never did anything for you.


Cocaine:
Urine: 2-4 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 24 hours
Heroin:
Urine: 2 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 6 hours
Marijuana:
Urine: (single use) 2-14 days, (prolonged use) 25-30 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 2 days
Amphetamines:
Urine: 1-2 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 12 hours
Methamphetamine:
Urine: 1-2 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 24 hours
Codeine:
Urine: 2 days
Hair: up to 90 days
Blood: 12 hours
Wall Street's undertow: drugs and anxiety [Reuters]
Are drugs fueling the stock market's rise? [Blogging Stocks]

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