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KK Turns 90

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Happy Birthday, Kirk Kerkorian! You’ve done so much in your lifetime. Granted this is not necessarily such a difficult task, considering you’re now officially a nonagenarian. But it's commendable nonetheless.
Let's take a quick trip through your accomplishments, starting with your education: dropping out of school in 8th grade. Winning the Pacific amateur welterweight championship under the name “Rifle Right Kerkorian.” Tracinda. Las Vegas. Daimler-Chrysler (almost). A striking resemblance to Ian McKellan. A flawlessly-applied Mystic Tan. All back-patting feats.
Kirk, we hate to spoil the non-surprise but no one from your office returned calls attempting to inquire as to whether or not anything special was being planned for the big day. We're pretty sure this means the girl who answers your phone is being sent out to get an ice-cream cake now. Everyone will be ushered into the conference room within the hour. Bob from accounting won't take part in the singing of 'Happy Birthday,' but don't take that personally, he never does.
Kirk, we've had a note about this day on the white board for weeks. That’s how much we care.


Bill Ackman's $90 Million Apartment Purchase Was Basically A Groupon

Don't worry about him making a profit, killjoys-- he got this baby on sale.