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Wherefore Art Thou Gurus?

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Have you taken stock of your surroundings lately, and noticed there are far fewer crazy people screaming at you to buy this stock and that stock while banging a gong and shooting up smack as a cute and entertaining way of showing you how the market’s going to—here it comes—“shoot up,” than there used to be, during the dot com boom? Come now, you say, are you familiar with a man named Jim Cramer. Yes, indeed we have heard of this man of which you speak, but according to the Chicago Tribune HE IS A DYING BREED. And at a time when we need him and his kind the most, and they need us!
When the Dow Jones hit 25 new records this year, we were here. Where were they? When the SPX closed Wednesday at its highest point since 2000, we were here (in the midst of battle to the death with Carney, vis-à-vis a ping pong tournament, but here, nonetheless). Where were they? Where, god, WHERE?

Not giving a baker’s fuck, that’s where. Apparently no one is interested in giving us their unsolicited opinion about the stock market anymore. Greenspan, yes, he’s still telling us what he thinks, but, bless his heart, no one’s listening, China least of all (and China is the litmus test we use, always). Ben Bernake hasn’t moved more than a few “While you were out” papers on his desk since taking office. Henry Blodget sometimes rants still, but it’s always phoned-in.
Some say the lack of enthusiasm and prognosticators has to do with there being less IPOs and more mergers and acquisitions. Others say it’s because the market is less pricey now. And then there’s the ludicrous argument that this has to do with us, the people, not offering gurus the same latitude, and instead, demanding accountability, and some business about the fascists who run the SEC. Even the man who employs Cramer, Jonathan Wald, claims he’s “not selling investment gurus anymore. We’re quicker to hold people accountable. We follow up more. You have to dig a little harder. It’s harder work.” (Let’s pre-suppose we’re buying this bit about Cramer not believing himself to be a guru, because he can’t, given the parlance of our times anymore, which we don’t because he told us the other day that he is in fact a guru, but let’s just say we do. Is it blowing anyone else’s mind to think about what this guy would’ve been like if he had his own cable show during the late nineties? And maybe, try and fight it as you may, getting you a little excited? Just Keith? Okay).
Mark Riepe, head of investment research at Charles Schwab touts the party line that there are so few Cramers today because we’re more skeptical, etc, etc. “Just because someone's on TV doesn't make them an expert who should be instantaneously followed,” he noted. But he didn’t say anything about blogs, which is why we feel confident that you’ll blindly nod in agreement with us when we say that this is all BS. F accountability. We want the Cramerettes and we want them now. Who’s with us?
All the gains, without gurus [Chicago Tribune]