Money Magazine wants you to marry up, which is why it provides you with a primer on how to marry a billionaire in its latest issue. Some helpful tips, setting the women's movement back a few decades:
- Lower your sights: People with a mere 8 figures often end up with 9
- Don't forget the kids: Your sugar daddy can have a sugar daddy
- Get an M.B.A.: Competition to be the hot assistant is intensifying
- Show off your brain...or make consumption your career: Clearly both euphemisms for "boobs"
- Move close to where they live: Really, and I thought billionaires married their pen pals
- Get thee to a gallery: Manet's Olympia was thought to be nothing more than a common whore, now her net worth is through the roof
- Show them the Monet: Fashion an outfit out of water lillies, it gives you that Brooke Shields in "Blue Lagoon" hotness
- Look for good benefits: Because every idealistic humanitarian looks like Jennifer Connelly, not Melinda Gates
- Cultivate dowagers: Read the New York Social Diary calendar, live the inanity
- Become a charity yourself: Fucking for HIV awareness
- Hire a professional: Meet my friends Candi and Squirtz
- Be a class act: No one likes a project, except Richard Gere
- Be into what he's into: Capital structure arbitrage, squash, felching
Take the helpful Money Magazine quiz to see if you have what it takes to marry a billionaire after the jump!
How to marry a billionaire [Money via CNN Money via Money Money Money Money]
Don't ask me how on earth they derived this, but here's the Money Magazine quiz (the "correct" answer marked by an asterisk):
1. What type of relationship are you looking for?
Friendship with benefits
Quick death with benefits
2. Where do you go when you want a little snack?
*My fridge for carrot sticks
McDonald's for fries
La Grenouille for quenelles of pike Lyonnaise
My room at the Georges V in Paris for beluga caviar (banned in the U.S.)
The pool boy
3. Where's your favorite place to shop?
*Thrift store for vintage T-shirts
Mall of America for imitation vintage T-shirts
Prada Epicenter Store in L.A.
My living room when Zac Posen comes to fit me
The funeral home
4. What do you like to read?
Anything Oprah recommends
*What the New Yorker recommends
Hedge Funds for Dummies
Real estate listings for villas on the Côte d'Azur
Ivanka Trump’s Autobiography
5. What's your ideal pet?
I am not into pets; they could ruin my Nain rug
Goldfish (gold_ get it?)
A stable of Arabians
*The wild Bactrian camel
6. What's your favorite physical activity?
Skiing in Gstaad (St. Moritz is just too crowded)
Eighteen holes at St. Andrews Golf Club
Weight lifting in my 2,000-square-foot home gym with Jamie, my personal trainer
Caring for the sick and elderly, and by “caring” we mean “slowly poisoning”
7. What do you see as a perfect first date?
A candlelight dinner on the terrace of a seaside restaurant
*A baseball or football game
Lunch at the Four Seasons, followed by a stroll around Christie's or Sotheby's
A flight to New York City aboard a private jet to attend La Traviata
Eloping in Vegas without a pre-nup, redrawing the will and having your spouse die before he gets your bra off