You could argue that there’s a lot JP Morgan’s done in the last few years to grind people’s gears (merged with Chase Manhattan, single-handedly perpetuated the false iPhone Nano rumors, purloined Keith Hahn’s youth and ability to open up and trust another human being) but it all pales in comparison to the bank’s declaration that it will erect a $2 billion dresser with one of its drawer left open at WTC5. James S. Russell, Bloomberg’s Senior Hideous Eyesore Correspondent goes off the deep end today re: the proposed building.
First of all, I just want to say that JP Morgan is clearly run by a bunch of money-grubbing whores who will do anything for a dollar. New York officials offered them $230 million in incentives, and in typical whore-like behavior, JP Morgan jumped at the deal. But whoever’s running that brothel of an investment bank wasn’t listening in What’s the Tradeoff 101, and failed to realize that the monstrosity will last far longer than the financial goodies, leaving an architectural embarrassment looming over Ground Zero for decades to come (unless I have anything to say about it…which I do…more on that later).
That building was designed by Eugene Kohn, an architect I once held in high-esteem but now wouldn’t deign to acknowledge if I’d been bit by eight jelly fish and he were the only one hydrated enough to provide the pain-reducing salve. Gene designed a building that is an ill-proportioned slab of ordinary glass, with a tower that protrudes like a dresser drawer hanging open. KKKohn claims that the drawer, which will house trading floors, is meant to evoke the belly of a kindly Buddha. I’m not a practicing Buddhist, and don’t actually believe in religion at all but I would like to know what Buddha in hell looks like an angular, inexpressive piece of glass, extending 100-plus feet across the street? Seriously, tell me. I want to know. Newsflash, Kohn—Buddha’s are fat. Their most recognizable characteristic is that the have big, round, fatty, fat, fat stomachs. I’m not saying this because I think we have a problem with obesity in this country, but because it’s the truth. I actually submit that you’ve never seen a Buddha.
It leave me utterly FLABBERGASTED that a bank with $1.35 trillion in assets would house its traders—or as I would call them, were I a religious man, God’s creatures—in the kind of spec box that companies dump call centers into. That’s right—call centers. JP Morgan, you had the chance to make an evocative statement with those trading floors. You could’ve thrillingly engaged the cityscape that has nurtured your success. Instead, you said, “Eh, we’re good.” The only way I can rationalize why you’re proposing to build a $2 billion piece of garbage that pollutes the city worse than Staten Island is that JP Morgan and JJ Dimon and Eugene Kohn hate America.
But there’s still time! Let’s wreck it (Ann Coulter knows what I'm talking about).