Earlier this morning, we were telling Keith Bar Crunch about how we’re getting as sick of the “[insert name of hedge fund] loses [insert losses]” stories as many of you are, which must mean there’s something wrong with us. Really, who doesn’t enjoy tales of woe at other people’s expense? (A. Of late, like we just said two freaking seconds ago, us). We’d love nothing more than to (at least momentarily) can the negativity and write about RenTec making $30 billion last week.
Unfortunately, that’s not happening—because even though you don’t want to hear about the blow ups of various funds, you’re not getting out there and making any news (mergers and acquisitions, CEO sluts, etc) to the contrary—but we can guarantee you we’ve taken the appropriate steps to ensure that several notable quant funds have some major—and we do mean major—gains coming their way.
The credit crunch isn’t just getting us down by hurting our friends at non-profits like the Bear Stearns High-Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage fund. It’s also threatening a deal near and dear to our hearts that we’ve been following closely for the last several months: the buyout of CKX. That’s odd, you might be saying to yourself, you haven’t written about this deal, uh, anywhere on DealBreaker. That’s because it’s too emotional. CKX, you see, owns the rights to “American Idol,” a show singlehandedly responsible for the fall of Rome, the death of Christ, and the drinking problems of those with cognitive abilities everywhere (also responsible: Jews). A buyout of CKX, no one’s said but we’ve intuited, could possibly mean a look into what brands are helping and what brands are hurting America. CKX could have a meeting and say, “Let’s break our contract with Fox and bury this thing in a ditch where it can’t threaten our ports and brains. It’ll make the lowest common denominator sad, but they’ll still have Dancing with the Stars, and it might help Paula Abdul get her life back together.”
This dream, DealBook notes with a singular kind of cruelty, may never come to pass. Since the deal was announced in June:
…the credit markets have gone into a tailspin, as troubles in the mortgage sector have percolated through Wall Street. As a result, the kind of debt used to fund take-private transactions is all but impossible to sell to investors, at least for now.
The debt freeze has left many wondering if previously announced buyouts would be completed. Most of the focus has been on the megadeals, such as the $25 billion buyout of student lender Sallie Mae, which is up for a shareholder vote Wednesday. But the smaller deals, involving less-established companies such as CKX, could face even bigger challenges.
I’m in an emotional hole so deep right now that I don’t even think the shuttering of Global Alpha could rescue me. Unless you have a timely tip. In which case—tips at dealbreaker dot com.
Buyout Blues Hit ‘American Idol’ Deal [DealBook]