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Explaining The Markets: Tom Wolfe In Sheep's Clothing

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You want to know why the markets are in the toilet? Why every hedge fund (besides Paulson & Company and MKP Credit) is taking it up the A? Why subprime is sub-optimal? Why James Cayne is no longer a championship bridge player? Why Stephen Schwarzman’s Crab-Shack-By-The-Sea has earned the distinction of worst IPO EVER? Why John Devaney is reduced to tears on his now yacht-less dock? Why American Home Mortgage has ceased to be? Why Bear Stearns has made UBS’s Dillon Read look like Hedge Fund of The Year? Why? I’ll tell you why:

Thursday, July 26, 2007. 7:45 pm. I'm on the Hampton Jitney, Montauk Highway, Route 27, we pull into the forlorn Southampton Jitney HQ/Health Spa parking lot. I'm drowsy from a full afternoon on Main Beach, when I notice famed New Journalism author & bon vivant TOM WOLFE walking slowly to his car in the parking lot just beneath my bus window.
Wolfe's owl-like visage is unmistakable, but I'm very put off by the rag tag outfit he's wearing this mid-summer evening. Normally of course one imagines Wolfe dressed to the nines in his signature ice cream white suit, custom dress shirt, silk tie and jazz-age spat shoes.
Shockingly, Wolfe is wearing faded, worn navy sweatpants, ill-fitting and slovenly, as one might wear for a touch football game on the Great Lawn. He has on a royal blue shirt rolled up at the sleeves. The cut and hue of the shirt actually has a sloppy cowboy denim shirt quality to it. Wolfe has balloon-like white sneakers on his feet, most like the casual Reebok white aerobic shoes that my father sported in South Beach a couple of years before his death. Wolfe's famous parted grey hair is all askew, splayed across his forehead and touching his eye and nose like some gator-trailed, drunken Brooklyn hipster at Studio B's closing time.

Someone, for the love of god, find Tom Wolfe, strip him of these rags that a man of his stature (and evident dementia) shouldn’t deign to wear and get him back in that white suit (it’s kind of obvious and easy to say that he hasn’t been able to dress himself in some time, but, still, it’s true). Everything else will then fall into place.
Earlier: Even Tom Wolfe Came Out For The Big Day
Tom Wolfe Dresses Way Down In The Hamptons [Gawker]
Hedge Funds Are Not Profiting From Market’s Current Volatility [NYT]