Poll Shows Traders Like Money, Stevie Cohen; Jail, Beards Not So Much

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The results of a recent poll conducted by Trader Monthly on 2,500 of the trading kind shocks and offends us. More than half the traders questioned said that they would gladly trade on illegal insider information, provided the deal would score them a $10 million profit, and there was zero chance of getting caught. Do we give a rat’s a about the fact that Wall Street’s finest are cool—breezy, even—with committing felonies? No we do not. (We’re more offended by the fact that they’d do it for a mere ten mill. What is this, amateur hour?) No, what really rubs us the wrong way is the notion that approximately 1,250 traders—trā'dərs—, the guys who are supposed to be taking the most risks (and intravenous drugs), said they would only take a risk on going to jail provided no risk of going to jail at all.
Look, when I shoplift gum from Duane Reade, I don’t do it for the payoff—big whoop, a pack of Bubblicious—I do it because you can’t beat that thirty second adrenaline rush, wondering, will I get caught? Will I get taken downtown? Will I get booked? Will they make me spit out my gum or swallow it, where it will remain in my body for seven years? And I’m a generally risk-averse human being. If we can’t count on our traders to live for that “will using this information increase my odds of having a roommate named Bubba?” moment of uncertainty, what can we count on them for?
Other results revealed that 62 percent of the pussies surveyed hate Eliot Spitzer, 52 percent think “Grasso got a bad rap” and earned every penny of his $100+ million compensation, and only 6 percent would swap lives with James Simons for a year, versus the 42 percent who would gladly inhabit the body of dead shark aficionado Stevie Cohen.
When asked what super power the traders desired to have so as to get ahead in the game but without posing a risk of jail time, 68 percent said the ability to mind read, 19 percent said invisibility, and 13 percent said “superhuman speed, so I could click my mouse faster.”
Traders Will Commit Felony For Profit [NYP]

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