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The word you’re looking for is, “what the f?”

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Here’s one: in 2005, a letter sent to Reverend Barry Parker of St. Paul’s Anglican Church in Toronto warned the man of the cloth that one of his sheep had gone to the dark side. According to the note’s sender, P. Fate, who wrote from St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York, parishioner/insurance executive Prem Watsa was taking stockholders of Fairfax Financial Holdings Ltd. for a ride. Mr. Fate, deeply troubled by this affront to Jesus and shareholder value, advised the Reverend to “be skeptical” and demand a full confession. Who do you think Fairfax claimed was behind the allegedly baseless smear campaign against the firm? If you answered “Satan,” you’re wrong, but on the right track (same goes for people who said “Jon Lovitz”). Fairfax, who has a history of “accounting lapses,” asserts that the letter was the work of hedge fund managers Stevie Cohen, Dan Loeb, David Rocker, Adam Sender, and Jim Chanos.
According to the ‘fax, who probably should’ve actually just gone with “Satan,” the managers hired Houston real estate broker/Nigerian natural gas dabbler/MI4 Reconnaissance director Spyro Contogouris to send out slanderous (and downright insulting) notes about the insurer in order to drive down its stock. (Fairfax also alleges that MI4 Reconnaissance employee Max Bernstein acted in cahoots, citing a lack of foreskin as motivation.)
Contogouris, who claims to be innocent regarding unrelated embezzlement charges brought against him last November, denies wrongdoing, as do the managers. The motley crew will argue to have Fairfax’s admirably creative albeit batshit crazy claim dismissed on September 5. It goes without saying that this sort of scheme seems beneath that of Cohen, who prefers to drive down stocks by just plain scaring the shit out of people with the rotting carcasses of dead sharks/humans; Chanos, because it seems unlikely that the guy who called out Enron would be all, “Hey, I’ve got a genius money-making scheme: we send a letter to a Reverend. That’ll bump us into the next tax bracket”; and Sender, because it obviously took many tries to get the glamour shot we borrowed from Bloomberg just right. For reasons we don’t think it necessary to get into here, Loeb is obviously suspect.
Hedge Fund Hit Man Hired by Cohen, Loeb, Sender, Says Insurer [Bloomberg]