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September: Good For LD Fans, Bad For 99% of the People Who Read This Site

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As all of you know—or should know, and if you don’t: educated yourselves—September has a reputation for being the worst month of the year. (Do you like when I write “Dear Reader” statements such as that last one, wherein I pretend that I’m using my 20+ years of experience to teach you people, who work in financial services, something about the markets, when really, I’ve only been at this for not even a decade? Or that I give a fuck?) There’s a slowdown of money going into the markets and, historically, stocks decline an average 1.2% this month, versus an average gain of 0.59% during the other eleven. Additionally, many mutual funds counting October as their fiscal New Year’s Eve will be selling losing positions from mid-September until mid-October.
But how are we going to make this September the best (and by best we mean worst) one yet? Well, some think that if the Beard of Understanding takes an axe to the federal fund rates on September 18, it’ll mean there’s a recession around the corner. So that could be fun, no? We haven’t had one of those in a while. Then you’ve got a hiring freeze. And layoffs, lots and lots of layoffs, especially at Lehman Brothers, but maybe also at JP Morgan and Citi, and most definitely at Bear Stearns (is it insensitive to use this as an opportunity to plug the DealBreaker Career Center?). (If you happen to survive September, those tracking bonuses are predicting a 5% decline for bankers and a 40% decline for traders in the collateralized mortgage securities business. But that’s December’s bad news, not September’s. Focus, Levin. Focus).
Can’t really think of anything else off the top of our head at the moment, but surely you guys can come up with something. We’ll be bringing you a Sugarman update shortly.
For Investors, September Is the Cruelest Month [CNBC]
Markets Brace For Seismic September [NYP]
Wall Street hiring machine goes idle [MarketWatch]


Nassim Nicholas Taleb's Got Bad News For His Legions Of Soccer Mom Fans

Greek god. Philosopher. Adonis. The only person on earth who has earned the right to have an opinion about anything. All appropriate characterizations of one Nassim Nicholas Taleb, and the way at least three-quarters of all living homo sapiens have described NNT in their conversations with friends and in their diaries. And while his many admirers have surely studied him in great detail in the hopes of one day having the opportunity to unlock his heart or simply bask in his reflected glory for a moment or two, not everyone has a comprehensive list of the things that rev Taleb's engine and, more importantly, that tick him off. Luckily, a recent profile by Chronicle writer Tom Bartlett has produced a near-complete guide to the likes and dislikes of Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Read it, print it out, carry it in your pocket-- but really, consider taking the time to commit it to memory. Your chance may only come along once and you don't want to fuck it up by fumbling around your notes because you can't remember what his thoughts are on "bourgeois bohemian bonus earners" or fruit.