The Financial Times Wants You To Invest In Britney Spears (Go With Us On This)

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The Financial Times, which we once held in high regard for its excellent business coverage (and charitable donations to this very website), goes Live Journal on us today. With the new editorial direction comes exactly what you’d expect: oversharing, misinformation, and horrible (and unsolicited, we might add) advice. And Britney Spears. Not surprisingly, it can all be traced back to Jim Cramer.

James Altucher, president and founder of Stockpickr, managing partner at Formula Capital, and weekly columnist for the FT uses the first three-quarters of the page to discuss the fact that he was a sore loser as a kid. Back then, he identified himself as a “strong chess player” and anything that “got in the way of that [label]” made him feel “less worthy.” Like when, for example, James lost a game of chess against the chess captain from a neighboring school. He was so upset that in one fell swoop, he knocked all the pieces to the floor. (Not to make this a pissing contest, but, honestly—big whoop. Call us when you can take responsibility for scratching someone’s retina by flipping a Monopoly board off the table and causing a plastic hotel to (barely) graze another player’s eye.)
James didn’t go back to school for an entire week, out of shame. Instead, he would take the bus to Princeton, NJ, and play chess with John Nash’s son, who’d recently received his PhD in mathematics and figured the best thing to do next was play board games with a sensitive teenage boy all day.
The discussion of chess abruptly ends there (this is standard LJ format), and James starts talking about how later in life, he would “establish” himself by how much money he gained or lost. And he found that it was the constant “quest for more that could trigger the conclusion of a life lived without consequence when lying on one’s deathbed.” Then James—who one should note favorably reviewed Tim Sykes’s book, “An American Hedge Fund”—segues to Britney Spears by saying, “This brings me to Britney Spears.” Though he hasn’t much followed her career, or seen the VMA appearance, James did catch the news that the old girl has, lately, been letting her career as a “brilliant businesswoman and manager of her own brand” slide. But that’s okay—“she’s 24 and we all remember what that was like.” (No, that’s not okay, James—she’s 25, about to be 26 in December. Wikipedia! It knows stuff.)
Anywho, as a project for thestreet.com, James recently stood on Wall Street asking random people, “Britney, buy or sell,” the most common answer being “sell.” Yes, this assignment was something thestreet.com paid money for. But James knows that when everyone says “sell,” it’s time to buy. Which is why he recommends adding Skechers (-2.74%), Jakks Pacific (makers of the Britney doll, +5.51%), Elizabeth Arden (-2.81%), Pepsi (+0.20%), and Sony (-1.82%) to your portfolio, all Britney-approved stocks. Unfortunately, FTLV does not yet have the technology to upload videos, but after a forthcoming deal with Facebook is completed, we’ll all get to enjoy the clips of Mr. Altucher lip synching “I’m a slave for you” that were supposed to run with this post.
Next week: Hank Blodget’s diary entry on why you should buy shares of products endorsed by Michael Vick (PetSmart, PETM; Monarch Casino & Resort, Inc., MCRI; Bad Newz Kennels, BNK.A and BNK.B), and a story about a young boy who just wanted to dance.
On a more serious note, we're hearing rumors that Global Alpha's -22.5% August might have something to do with heavy investments in the lady of the night (Mark Carhart has been a devotee since "Crossroads" came out). Anyone want to provide confirmation? Thanks.
Britney’s not as toxic as you might think [Financial Times]

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