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Uncle Jeff Renders Himself Redundant

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You’d think that Jeffrey Epstein would want to go out with a bang, before he is (most likely) sentenced to 15 months in prison to be followed by 15 months of home confinement, for asking underage girls to work out the kinks in his back and then chill for a sec while he got physical with a towel. For the Epstein fans in the crowd (these are generally the same people who count John Carney and Jeffrey Jones as heroes), we are sad to report that for his finale shebang, the man has gone soft (hahaha, get it? Like a penis going soft? You liked that).
Johanna Sjoberg was a “church-going” brunette studying psychology at Atlantic College when she was approached by Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein’s consigliere of jailbait. She was hired to answer phones and serve drinks at Epstein’s home for $20/hour, a job which she described as a “great opportunity,” of which all of her friends were “jealous.” She soon got a raise. Instead of fielding calls from noted pal Bill Clinton (“Just tell him I said ‘Well done, Sugar Tits’”), Johanna was making $100 for “rubbing feet.” The coed found it “fun” and “really liked [Epstein” and “didn’t get any sexual vibes from him” and “viewed him as a great uncle who wanted me to be happy.”
During the next several years, Epstein showed Sjoberg “the basics of massage,” introduced her to Prince Andrew (who shook her breast, which is a standard greeting in the UK), asked her “to do the nipple thing,” paid for her schooling and flew her to the Virgin Islands, where they watched movies.
Even though Sjoberg says the whole thing was “like a fairy tale,” she still decided to keep it a “secret” that Epstein “was a dirty old man,” preferring tell friends and family that he was “like [an uncle].” And that’s all there is.
Disappointed that the best anyone could do by a man who kept the makers of terry cloth in business for the last twenty years and whose police report required a cigarette and a shower after being read was this half-assed Made-for-TV-Movie, he-was-like-my-uncle-who-molested-me-in-the-poolhouse slop? Us, too. Really disappointed. So much so that we almost considered sending Carney in to work his magic, but then remembered you can’t get much done with a eunuch. So we’ll just say this-- were YOU made to “do the nipple thing” to Jeffrey Epstein? Call 212-334-1871. We’ll wring something sick and twisted out of this yet.
Prince Andrew's friend, Ghislaine Maxwell, some underage girls and a very disturbing story [Daily Mail]
The Truth About Jeffrey Epstein and 'Vanity Fair' [Gawker]