Skip to main content

How Can You Say Neil Cavuto's Not Hot?

  • Author:
  • Updated:

The Jezebels at Jezebel are angry that there seems to be a dearth of hot men on Fox Business. And you know what women do when they get angry—they bitch (and withhold sex. Who’s with me on this one? Fucking whores). Anyway, Jez editor Moe is all:

…the [Fox] newscasts are actually really heavy on the men, none of whom I would ever do. Whereas! CNBC, for its part, has long had a huge posse of schlubby male news anchors with Cherry Garcia guts and rings around their armpits who I have always fantasized about! [she names Joe Kernen, Carl Quintanilla, David Faber and Charlie Gasparino as masturbatory material]

Let's sidestep away from the grave offense that was not including man candy Mark Haines in that see you, touch myself line-up (if he's good enough for Erin Burnett, he's good enough for you, is what I always tell Carney, who's really too picky for his own good) and focus on the matter at hand (heh): Anyone who can give Moe a plausible explanation for why Fox isn’t offering up any male newscasters for the purposes of getting off its female viewership, better than “In the absence of any actual utilitarian purpose for the financial community, Fox is banking on being a beer commercial with the words ‘money’ and ‘market’ thrown in every now and then” or “Because regardless of how attractive he is, I don’t fantasize about coming on a guy’s breasts, and the world revolves around me, a randy white American male who works on Wall Street” wins a non-consensual date with one of their readers, or associate editor Jennifer (she doesn't know yet though, so let's not spoil the surprise).
Fox Business News: Where Are All The Hot, Semi-Fat Male Anchors? [Jezebel]