JP Morgan Celebrates Beating (Paid-Off) Analysts’ Expectations, Profits of Unworthy Adversary

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(Just kidding about that whole bribing o’ analysts thing but with everyone—including Can’t Do Anything Right Citigroup—“beating” analysts’ “expectations,” doesn’t seem so crazy, does it? You’d be surprised how far a free dinner at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone will get you with an analyst at UBS AG. Lloyd Blankfein knows what we’re talking about.) Anyway, JP Morgan’s third-quarter net income rose 2.3 percent to $3.4 billion (97 cents/share), up from last year’s $3.3 billion (92 cents/share). Analysts had previously forecast earnings at 90 cents a share. This was exciting, because it made the $1.64 billion in write-downs on leveraged loans and collateralized debt obligations (which caused investment banking profits to fall 70 percent to $296 million) not seem as bad. With the exception of Goldman, JP Morgan handily won the Q3 pissing contest, with Merrill Lynch expecting to lose tons of money in the quarter on account of $5.5 billion in write-downs, and Citigroup’s triumph over analysts’ expectations earlier this week, which saw the behemoth posting a 57 percent decline on fixed-income losses. Though, to curb JPM’s enthusiasm only slightly, one might note that Citigroup has been on the receiving end of a golden shower, and pretty much drowning in it, for some time now. Still, unworthy an adversary as the C might be, it’s nice to see Jamie Dimon wiping the floor with the firm that pushed him out the door instead of naming him CEO, as Deal Journal notes this morning. Also, Meg McMullen, chief of New England Research & Management called Jamie Dimon “a smart cookie,” and, to be honest for a sec? We kind of dig the soccer mom-ness of it all. Like she's the antidote to our golden shower or something.
JPMorgan Third-Quarter Profit Rises, Beats Estimates [Bloomberg]
Dimon to Chuck Prince: Watch and Learn [Deal Journal]
JPMorgan Profit Rises, Despite Writedowns [CNBC]

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