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Microsoft, Sony, Amazon, Verizon Unveil Apple “Competitors,” All Of Which Steve Jobs Will Eat For Breakfast

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The following are the secret weapons a few companies believe will serve them well in their respective battles against the iPod, the iPhone, and iTunes:
Microsoft has revamped the Zune, the train wreck of product that Andrew Ross Sorkin and Soledad O’Brien could barely disguise their (completely warranted) disgust for while promoting last year on CNN. Though in its second go, the Zune is smaller than a boom box, the revamped product offers no “radical” breakthroughs that suggest anyone would choose it over the iPod, unless held at gunpoint. The sharing feature remains useless, because the chances of the two people who own a Zune being in close enough range of one another are extremely slim.
Sony recently came out with a new version its Sony WALKMAN. This one has the ability to play digital video. I’m sorry, were you not listening because you were distracted by the fact that I’d just said “walkman”? Same here.
Amazon launched a “snazzed-up” music-downloading service last month. Who downloads their music from Amazon? This reformed music-embezzler uses iTunes exclusively, and I hate Steve Jobs so that’s got to mean something (or nothing).
Verizon unveiled the Voyager, manufactured by LG, today. Sort of unsurprisingly, Verizon Chief Marketing Officer Mike Lanman said he thinks “it’ll be the best phone…this year,” and then proceeded to take it to an even less realistic but much darker place in commenting that “it will kill the iPhone.” Bringing things back down to earth was Current Analysis analyst Avi Greengart, who said that while the phone may attract a few people not willing to switch to AT&T, it’s highly unlikely that the Voyager will “pull anybody away from an iPhone.”
Nice try to all of you who gave it a shot, and definitely take an A for effort. Maybe not Microsoft though, because seriously, the Zune? We've got more money on the Walkman. It’s almost as though you could *not* actually give a shit.
In other news, the date of the Apple backlash has been set for March 21, 2008.
Verizon unveils iPhone rival [Reuters]
Apple's iPod Still Rules, But Rivals Are Circling [cnbc]