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650 People Now Free To Read About Proxy Access, The Life And Times Of John Francis Carney III From 9-5

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In an effort to "best position Bear Stearns for 2008 and beyond," which is the year it plans to "really start making this thing work," the securities firm will be laying off 650 employees. Ex-Bears will be given (probably uncompetitive) severance, benefits (that don't include dental) and outplacement services (with the majority of firees expected to land on their feet working as editors on the Think Equity blog).* In a remarkable show of compassion, James Cayne is said to have sent out a desperate e-mail to the members of the board early this morning, urging them to reconsider the drastic measure, on account of the fact that the staff reduction would translate to much fewer people for him to go in on 1/8ths with, and in Jimbo's words, "I don't have that kind of money right now." After being reminded that the layoffs had been an idea he had come up with on his own, after returning from a super frustrating smoking session in which he got a measly two hits before the spliff ran out because there were "like 30 people there" and "some first year fuck kept Bogarting the shit," Cayne, who had to read the reply six times before being able to process the information, responded, "Oh yeah. Ok, fuck it, get rid of them."
Bear Stearns Cuts 4 Percent of Staff [AP]
*actually, we don't know if any of these specs are true, we're just assuming. Got any info? Feel free to share.