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Andrew Ross Sorkin's Death Wish

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DealBook has a nice little post today that more or less confirms our longstanding suspicion that Andrew Ross Sorkin wants to die. In it, Sorkin-- or one of the many Mini Sorkins who represent him-- recalls the recommendation SAC Capital gave to TD Ameritrade a few months ago RE: combining with another online brokerage firm like E*Trade Financial, because it would “dramatically increase long-term shareholder value" and "assume only moderate credit risk."
The last few months have shown this particular piece of advice to not necessarily be the "best" SAC's offered in its illustrious history. But instead of gently, ever so gently saying that while making sure to kiss ass at the same time, like we did just now, Sorkin goes out of his way to point out that had Ameritrade heeded SAC's counsel, the results would've been "disastrous" and that, in his estimation, and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't want to even click back to the DealBook article for fear of being implicated in the whole thing, "Stevie Cohen is no more than a glorified day trader who couldn't execute a profitable trade if he were hopped up on female hormones and wearing a dress."
We're not saying he's wrong (unless Stevie or any of the Tonton Macoutes he has working out of his office are reading this, in which case, WHAT AN IDIOT), or that he shouldn't feel free to express his opinion (again: ARS is the reason I am against the First Amendment), but jesus christ, Sorkin, you don't mess with a guy who once killed a bunch of kids selling lemonade for fifty cents to rally his troops after a down month. (If you have to taunt, taunt guys who are afraid of their own shadows, like Global Alpha. They'll never hurt you.) Yes, you have your God-given ability, as a Jew, to win street fights, but he does too, so it's cancelled out. And then all you're left with is the fact that he operates under the belief that the taste of human flesh in his mouth is good for business, and that "legend" about him killing an analyst with his bare hands "on a lark." We've said it before but now, more than ever, it bears repeating-- Sorkin, sleep with one eye open.
Analysis: Beware Hedge Funds Bearing Advice [DealBook]


Come Between Andrew Ross Sorkin And His Pita Chips, Take Your Life Into Your Own Hands

It's often been said, in profiles, conversations, and the like, that Andrew Ross Sorkin is the hardest working man in America, juggling several  jobs at any given time. Up until now, the ones we knew about were 1) Dealbook editor 2) Squawk Box host and 3) author. Today we've learned of yet another title he holds: (self-described) Human Garbage Disposal. "If food is in front of me, I have to eat it," Sorkin told Grub Street, while taking part in its "New York Diet" series, an accounting of one person's food intake over a given week. From March 2 to March 7 we get to see ARS's appetite in action, destroying everything in its wake. Yogurt (Fage peach), his children's chicken nuggets, Chinese food, coffee ice-cream, tomato soup, mushroom soup, peanut butter brownies, turkey sandwiches, margaritas, Red Bull, oysters, Muscle Milk, pretzels, steak, salmon, Chirpin' Chicken, sweet-potato fries. It's actually quite mesmerizing. And that's just what he consumes for sustenance. Here's what he goes weak in the knees for. Anything that came out of a deep-fryer: "...we ended up at Five Points where I had two spicy margaritas and ruined [my] workout within in twenty minutes. I also had a spinach salad, rockfish, and a chocolate brioche bread pudding and apple crisp to die for. Give me anything baked or fried and ... forget it. Donuts, Glazed: "All is well in the world, until someone brings Dunkin' Donuts to theTimes office. No will power around glazed doughnuts. I could eat a whole table of them. They're classic and timeless, without being too sugary and complicated." Bread pudding, which he'll eat off the plate of a source: "In between MSNBC and the Times, I went to lunch with two venture capitalists at Michael's. Their choice, not mine. I like it there because that's how people know you haven't died yet. Ate salmon with mustard and sorbet for dessert. Okay, the venture capitalists offered me some bread pudding, and I got all in on that, too." His Stacey's Pita Chips. Do not get him started.: "Now I really go off the rails at home. It starts with a glass of red wine and half a bag of Stacey Chips. Then I eat more, but with hummus. They're the greatest chips in the history of all chips. When I was writing my book three years ago, I'd go to a bodega at eleven o'clock at night for a liter of Diet Coke, a couple beers, and my Stacey Chips." Andrew Ross Sorkin Will Eat Anything You Feed Him, Especially If It Is Baked or Fried [Grub Street]