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Role-Playing With The Analysts Featuring John F. Carney III, Esq., In The Role Of Vikram Pandit

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We spend a lot of time around here talking about investment bankers/hedge fund managers/CEOs etc, and not really any on analysts. Probably because the former are a lot louder and obnoxious and more or less begging for it (Lloyd Blankfein in particular screams “Look at me!”). Also, and this is not meant to be a criticism, their jobs just seem completely fucking boring. You made “a call”? Great. Call us when Daniel Loeb gives one of his traders what’s known around Third Point as an “Eastern Bloc Crew Cut” just because he didn’t like the look on his face, so we can post about it because it’s kind of funny if you’re into Cold War humor.
Then we listened in on (the last few minutes) of the Merrill call and Mike Mayo was all, “Well, with all due respect—and really, so much of it is due—jackasses, your peers didn’t take a billion dollar writedown.* Think about that the next time you want to rub one out over disclosing your monumental failures, and don’t.” And we were like, come again? What a prick, i.e., awesome individual! And while Mayo, and Ivy Zelman, who, on a homebuilder call last year, asked, “I am wondering which Kool-Aid you're drinking?” may be ahead of the pack in terms of being punks who outright insult companies on their calls, and that Highbridge analyst who got Jeff Skilling to call him an asshole is sui generis, there are definitely other anals out there who have, in their own, not necessarily as overt way, been making us smile, of late. Meredith Whitney’s downgrade of Citi? Great stuff (the litmus test being, did it get you death threats?). David Trone giving John Mack the proverbial middle finger, and not letting Morgan Stanley’s $4 billion dollar fuckup just slip through the cracks like the analysts at UBS AG had been paid to do? Love it.
What we’re thinking is, this is a whole untapped market of hilarity ripe for the taking by any analyst hungry enough to grab it. Writing a note about JPMorgan’s quarterly earnings? We’re not saying you have to call its bankers ugly, but maybe just downgrade them a little, for kicks, even if it’s uncalled for (which would make it even funnier). If you want, start off fucking with a smaller company and work your way up. And conference calls are probably the best place to make a name for yourself, because of the built-in audience, and you can riff a little more there than you can in writing. But we still suggest you start working on your material now. Maybe we should even do a practice run. Okay, Citi’s just announced it’s quarterly earnings, it’s 10 am and we’re on a call. I’m whoever would be leading the call, Carney’s there too, playing the part of Vikram Pandit, you’re an analyst, and you've just been passed the mic. What are you going to say?
Guessing It Right [Breaking Views]
*or at least at the time they hadn’t.