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UBS Still Taking It Up The Tailpipe

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You really have to love bonuses paid in nearly worthless currency like, say, the Brazilian Real (not to be confused with other Brazilians, which we are all in favor of), or maybe UBS stock. So are UBS's investment bankers worthy of the 100 percent stock bonuses they have coming their way next month? Credit Suisse says "Yes." That is, Credit Suisse uses a cute report littered with 'Shroom burger stains to point out that UBS's investment banking unit might have a net worth of negative $20 billion dollars. Since this pegs each of the firm's 22,000 employees as worth negative $1 million, (before adjustments for ego good will--the Nazi sympathizers love themselves more than any other professionals on the Street, Goldman Sachs included, which is also your answer to why the stalls in the 3rd floor men's room are always occupied from 1-4 pm) a worthless stock grant seems like a well-priced treat. Some simple math shows that even if every employee pledges to switch from 2 to 1 ply and search for their own flights on Priceline, the bank will not be out of the red 'til 2015. Goldman Sachs, investment bank Schadenfreude of the highest order, has even more pessimistic ideas about "You and Us." But then, you knew that before we told you. Check out the bad news here.
Are UBS Bankers in a Sea of Red? [WSJ]