Longtime readers of this website and those tuning in for the first time just this morning probably know that we've been into Fox Business for a while. Longtime readers of this website and those tuning in for the first time just this morning probably don't know that we've been into a guy named Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) for-I don't know-ever. Apparently we're not alone with our fondnesses because at least half the room at a LEH holiday party last week admitted to the same. But we all agreed that while you might wonder what it would be like to have both-- HH and NPH-- at the same time, and maybe fantasize about it on a regular basis, you never actually dare to imagine it could happen. Something about "self-preservation" a Brother in equities mumbled. And even though he trailed off, we all heard what he said and nodded in agreement. Well mumble no longer, Brother. In fact, don't even say anything at all, because that day we wouldn't allow ourselves to dream about coming has come and gone. Thanks to YouTube, and not Fox Business, which only makes its 8 or so most recent videos available, though, it's here to stay. That's right-- I'm talking Neil Patrick Harris and I'm talking Neil Patrick Harris as a guest on Fox Business's "Happy Hour." Apparently NPH was born and raised in the same town (Ruidoso, New Mexico) as HH co-anchor Cody Willard and now we (us and Cody) are reaping the benefits. Since some of you work at Fascist establishments that won't allow you to play YouTube clips, even in extraordinary circumstances like the one before us, I've more or less reproduced the show below. Everyone else: avert your eyes and hit play. Unless you want to follow along with a guide, in which case, carry on.
00:13: Rebecca introduces NPH as the star of "When I Met Your Mother." Classic Fox Business. Was this gaffe unplanned? Producers cornering the "dumb as rocks" market? Just Becks being silly? Just Becks being wasted? I don't know, I'm not a doctor but I can tell you this much: NPH does not look pleased and at
00:17: he flashes a look of disgust at Cody intended for Rebecca and snarls, "Thank you, Cody, it's called 'How I Met Your Mother,' but thanks." Has anyone else noticed how NPH has really started to own his bitchiness since he came out?
00:22: Rebecca hasn't: she does the upper-arm touch thing that really only works on straight guys and slurs, "It's still my favorite show!"
00:29: "Neil! Neil!" "Yes, Cody?" Never before have those two words been imbued with such dismissiveness. I fucking love this guy.
00:36: Cody reminds NPH that they've known each other since they were two years old. NPH looks embarrassed.
00:49: Cody goes for street cred with a Chris Rock reference.
00:51: Cody asks NPH how long it's been since he was back in their hometown.
00:53: A good year, NPH is sad to say.
00:55: But he's going home for Christmas!
00:57: "You're going back for Christmas??!!" Cody asks NPH even though that's exactly what he just said. There is so much excitement in his voice you know he's about to suggest that they share a cab from the airport and maybe meet up with the old gang on xmas eve, we could even head over to the bar together I'm sure I can convince my dad to let me borrow the car and tell me if this is being too forward but do you have plans for New Year's? Because I was just thinking, since we're the two big movie stars in town that we could--
01:01: NPH isn't technically going home-home, just the major city near home, and he's kind of already got plans.
01:03: I almost feel bad for Cody.
01:07: Rebecca: "This New Mexico stuff!"
01:11: Rebecca's "read" that NPH has been "acting for a really, really long time."
01:16: I don't know where "Happy Hour" is getting its reading material but it goes way, way back-- apparently, NPH's first play was the "Wizard of Oz," in which he played Toto.
01:18: Cody was at that play. He remembers it like it was yesterday, probably because he still has his playbill and the lock of hair he stole from a comb in NPH's dressing room on opening night.
01:22: Becks asks NPH if he had to get "down on all fours" for the part.
01:27: Becks and Cody crack up at the "down on all fours" joke.
01:31: Becks says "down on all fours" again.
02:21: One time NPH and Cody were acting out a play in the Willard family living room and Cody fell while he had a popsicle stick in his mouth and it almost went all the way through his cheek. I don't want to say this episode isn't Emmy-material, because it is, but had they recreated this particular scene that statue would be in. the. bag.
02:37: They also used to lip synch "Another One Bites The Dust." NPH gives us a taste of what that was like, Cody looks cool by association.
02:43: Rebecca: "Sing Annie! Sing Annie!"
02:45: NPH: (ignoring request in pursuit of question begging to be answered) "What are you guys going to do when your hair gets to gets to the same length?"
02:52: Cody tries to change the subject
02:55: and is unsuccessful (no one can stop a NPH in pursuit of the truth! No one!). NPH: "I think a ponytail might be the best way to go."
02:57: Rebecca: "Was his hair long as a child?"
03:00: NPH: "No, it was short and normal. None of this renegade nonsense." This guy needs to be on every show always, and not just "Happy Hour," and not just Fox Business. Can you think of another person better suited to cut down Jim Cramer? Seriously, NPH would eviscerate him without breaking a sweat. And I don't want to say I'm dying to see what would happen if you got Charlie Gasparino and NPH in a room together with a bunch of cameras rolling, but I'm dying to see what would happen if you got Charlie Gasparino and NPH in a room together with a bunch of cameras rolling.
03:08 Rebecca: "Tell us something good about Cody! Tell us something we don't know about Cody!" (apparently these two are interchangeable)
03:12: While NPH thinks, Cody butters him up by sharing that he would not have successfully started a hedge fund without the money NPH fronted him. I don't think it's common practice for investors to send letters to managers during down months, or at least official ones, but I can see NPH doing it and I can see it being awesome.
03:20: NPH used to invest in Krispey Kreme. Cody remembers telling NPH to get the hell out of that one, so much so that he says it three times. Fuck you, Cody! He's NPH, he can invest in whatever he wants.
03:31: NPH makes lukewarm joke about recently having heard of a stock called "goo...goo?" Cody says, "Google you mean?" I submit NPH only did this because he feels bad for Cody and is trying his hardest not to always come off as the smart/funny one. He really the kid doctor with a heart of gold.
04:31: NPH wants to know where his damn drink is. Cody guesses he wants a vodka/cranberry. NPH: (with disgust) "No, I want a Scotch, on the rocks...idiot."
04:55: Speaking of drinks? Rebecca Gomez-- the girl is shitfaced. I am honestly surprised she doesn't fall off her bar stool. If NPH were straight he'd probably be all, "In about two seconds this girl is going to black out and I will nail her." But he's not! And is doing an awesome job of calling her out on a being a drunk bitch* with just facial expressions.
05:08: I am the drunk bitch. That is not Rebecca Gomez, it's someone named Tracy Byrnes.
05:12: In my defense, they've dressed her up exactly like Rebecca (red sweater, black skirt) and the imposter could easily be Rebecca's twin. I submit that other people thought it was Rebecca, too. This is oddly reminiscent of Marta being played by two different actresses (first by Lenor Varela, then by Patricia Velasquez). Regardless, I'm going to continue referring to the girl as Rebecca, it's just easier that way.
05:21: Taking a cue from Rebecca, Cody says "Harold and Maude" when he means to say "Harold and Kumar."
06:22: Someone calls the show NPH stars in something other than "How I Met Your Mother," again.
07:33: NPH jokes about taking over Cody's job at "Happy Hour," meaning he (and not CW) would be in our lives 5 times/week. Which is sort of like getting your kicks by visiting orphanages on the weekends and messing with one of the sadder-looking kids about rescuing him/her from whatever sort of hellish existence he/she's living under some monstrous warden with unusually long hair for a male, and talking about taking him/her to a house in the country, where he/she can run free** and be part of a real family, and the cruel warden with the unusually long hair for a man is but a distant memory when you really have no intention of doing any of that at all, and even though, hilariously, you've even signed a bunch of official-looking documents that seem to imply you have every intention of taking this parentless child home with you. The utter cruelty outweighs the humor, though, objectively, it'll make you laugh, if you've got a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday.
No matter! If Fox Business doesn't bring the (additional) NPH to us, we will just have to go get the (additional) NPH for ourselves. What follows is a mix tape, of sorts, from me to you. A mix tape NPH-style, that is. Get ready to shove a fist in your mouth or bite down on a piece of leather, because unless you are dead inside, it's ass laughing off time.
Oh yeah, it's Bachelor Country! What, only one towel? What, no hair dryer? Know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it.
Oh yeah, it's "How I Met Your Mother" to the tune of "Everybody Dance Now"!
Oh yeah, it's the "Doogie Howser, M.D." intro!
Had enough yet? That's a shame, because I'm nowhere near finished. I've still got:
SLAP BET! (Oh yeah, it's slap bet!)
SLAPSGIVING! (Oh yeah, it's slapsgiving!)
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAPSLAPSLAP! (Oh yeah, it's slap! slap! slap! slapslapslap!)
Begging for mercy? There are no safe words at DealBreaker, only:
Marshall narrating everything he does with stupid off-key singing!
Marshall in a highly underrated movie called Slackers sharing a scene with Gina Gershon!
Another great scene from Slackers!
Words to live by set to music in a scene from Slackers! Because, we when let our guards down to admit it, everyone in this proverbial room has someone filed under "Cocksucker" in his/her little black book. And some of us (Chuck Prince) have others (Prince Alwaleed) listed more than once, just for the added emphasis.