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If We're Going To Do This, Why Not Have Some Fun With It?

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I can't be the only one who read the article in today's Wall Street Journal about a group of competitive knitters who are currently engaging in an Assassin-like game but with needles and yarn and thought:
1. Is it possible that this is only appearing on Page One in my copy?
2. The day I start knitting is the day I ask you to put a gun in my mouth. Don't pull the trigger but just put it in long enough so I can taste the metal and the fear.
3. The day I start knitting as a competitive sport is the day I ask you to (pick one) put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, waterboard me, sell me to the Triad's human trafficking ring, set me on fire and put out the flames just prior to death but after 99% of my body's surface area is turned to scar tissue, push me off a cliff.
4. Wouldn't a game of Assassin be a genius (and fun!) way to decide who gets laid off from all these banks? Think about it: performance, what is that? It's very hard to quantify. Also, it must be really hard for some managers to pick who shall live and who shall die. This takes the guess work out. Finally, it's just a straight-up awesome game. Granted, all the times I've played I haven't been fighting to keep my job but a higher stakes game would make it all the more exciting!
Anyway, I'm just knocking around ideas re: more creative ways to get rid of people. Another one is to turn off all the lights for five minutes and let everyone slap whoever they can at will/random. When the lights come on, the people with the reddest faces should be fired. And maybe one having to do with a lethal strain of syphilis (the rule is it can't be treated), but that would probably take too long. Surely you people can do better.
Sock It to Me: Competitive Knitters Get Deadly Serious [WSJ]