Skip to main content

Infinite Wisdom: It’s Easy To Avoid Gold Diggers When There’s No Gold To Dig

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Important reading for those of you out there who haven’t yet realized that there’s this way to circumvent being played by gold diggers called NOT BUYING THEM SHIT (and not dating girls you meet at Marquee) in this week’s TONY. Columnist Julia Allison interviewed three guys who’ve shed countless tears over ladies who they thought were really into them “for them” until it was revealed that those harpies were just using the dudes for their money. Before we go on, let’s just take a second to really let what must’ve been excruciating pain wash over us. If we hurt so badly just reading about this, imagine how it must’ve felt for them? Let’s all light a candle that we never have to experience this particular sort of agony firsthand. Let’s also try and learn from the mistakes of idiots—too much?—who came before us. Once dating optimists, Keith, Anon and Tim have been hardened by women who duped them into thinking that the hours the girls logged on their backs (knees, stomachs, heads) weren’t 150% contingent on the fact that they were getting shiny gifts in exchange for their time which is CRAZY because K, A and T sound like pretty sweet dudes with awesome personalities! KAT has since wised up and devised a bunch of genius offensive tactics for dealing with these (for pay) sluts and, of course, for safeguarding their hearts.
Keith, 27, a former investment banker, avoids gold diggers by “talking about [his] favorite vintage of boxed wine, or international affairs” and asking them brain busters like “What is the chemical composition of pyrite?” Obviously, iron sulfide is Keith’s litmus test because it is used to make costume jewelry. If a prospective girlfriend (PG) provides the correct structure, which is one atom of iron for every two atoms of sulfur, she is summarily dismissed, because her mineral knowledge is clearly indicative of the fact that she’s educated herself on how to spot crap, and has a predilection for from bailing on men who have the audacity to offer her anything less than diamonds. If a PG says, “Is that like a pirate?” Keith takes her home to mom.
Anonymous, thirtysomething banker, avoids these types of women by performing on site inspections. He “checks a girl’s closet, since not only does it give you a sense of her style but if it’s filled with stuff like Gucci and she has a mediocre job, then chalk it up as a good night of fun and exit.” And if it’s full of fake Gucci? Pat yourself on the back because you my friend have found yourself one cheap whore! If any of you out there have been on the fence about whether or not letting out your inner gay sociopath is a good idea, I hope Anonymous has given you the assurance that it is and you should.
Tim, 26, has what seems to be the best tactic for steering clear of a gold digger: he “avoids them by not wearing nice clothes…and [not going to] certain spots, like Tenjune and Pastis.” Because he has no job, and therefore, no money. We think this is a great idea, because you can protect yourself from getting used, and, also, watch TV all day, provided your roommates are paying the Time Warner bill. 650 Bear Stearns (former) employees are testing out this approach as we speak; (we hear) 100,000 Citigroup will soon have the chance to do the same.
Cash Advances [Time Out New York]