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It's Entirely Possible That Gary Busey Was At Last Night's SAC Holiday Party

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In a terrific display of holiday togetherness, the employees of SAC Capital convened in Stamford last night to bask in the mediocrity and obscurity of the past year. To create the perfect atmosphere for such an event, the holiday gala was held in a plastic tent behind the company's headquarters. Despite their better efforts, however, everyone seemed to have a good time, fueled by a live reggae/soul band (interesting choice) and several PMs dispensing bonuses by raining hundreds from a platform over the crowd (no one is really sure whether this was actually their bonus or if they will still be receiving one today). The whole night was summed up in the inspiring, albeit slurred, drunken cry overheard as people piled into taxis outside of the after party: "I can't believe we fucking work at SAC. I mean, I'm a total idiot, you saw me tonight. And yet here I am." A breakdown by the numbers:

• Total attendance: 400
• Avg. number of people each person recognized at the party: 11.6
•Propane heaters keeping the holiday well-wishers toasty: 12
•Waiters that might have actually been Gary Busey: 1
•Length of Papa Cohen's painful speech: 4 minutes
•Laughs received by Papa Cohen's joke insinuating that the back office outperformed the front: maybe 1 (more like a half chuckle, half "fuck off, fat guy")
•Beirut tables at after-party held at Hula Hank's: 1
•Drinking games played simultaneously on said Beirut table: 3
•Ratio of females to males at Hula Hank's: 1:8
•Ratio of females to males checking into the Marriott afterwards: 1:40
•Average time spent on today: 45 minutes