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Things At Pirate Capital Worse Than We Thought

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It’s common knowledge that Tom Hudson has pretty much run Pirate Capital into the ground, by allowing Michael Bolton’s daughters to construct all discounted cash flow models, structure all pair trades and calculate the firm's daily alpha. You knew that, we knew that, the employees at the Local PetSmart, who work on commission and had come to expect a minimum buy/day of whatever a truckload of minnows costs from Hudson knew that. Fucking Michael Bolton knew that. The one person who didn’t know that, or wouldn’t admit it to investors (“We’re having a great year!" "Don’t buy the hype!" "I’ve got a great pick called SMD that’s going to make us all rich!” he wrote last month) was Tom Hudson. Brother was in serious denial and was getting hard to watch. No longer.

What the hell is that? Why, it’s the House of Hudson! featured at Blue Hill Cemetery. 400-square feet constructed of 450,000 pounds of Vermont granite. 17-foot high cathedral ceilings. Brass doors. A stained glass depiction of The Last Supper. Hand-carved stone lions. Dwarfs the cemetery’s twenty other mausoleums, not to mention the ground’s “slightly more modest” grave markers. Gerald Ridge, Jr., vice president of Blue Hill Cemetery, says that “the regulars” (?) frequently “comment on it.”
Friends, you’re looking at is one man’s realization that the end is near. Pirate’s not making any money, investors want their money back, and the monstrosity you’re feasting your eyes on is more or less proof that Hudson himself is about to be hit with some serious overdrafting charges from Bank of America, and will be in no position to start over, capital-wise (unless he takes the Tim Sykes approach of turning twelve dollars and fifty cents into a pre-tax sum of just over $1.65 million) and figures it’d be better to off himself than live in a world where he can’t execute unprofitable trades. It’s also a reflection on his awareness of the fact that if he left it up to his five ex-wives, he’d be sitting in a coffee can in someone’s mold-infested and flood-prone basement for all eternity. We say, good for him. It's time to start living in reality.
Earlier: Who's Running Pirate Capital (Into The Ground)? If You're Not A Michael Bolton Fan, The Answer May Surprise You
A Place To Die For [Boston Globe]