How To Find The Right Tailor And Other Things We Learned From Thad, The Fake Goldman Trader

Author:
Publish date:

Who remembers that Craiglist ad from the 28 year old Goldman banker looking for someone to lavish with his (pretax) $722k bonus? I'm going to go with all of you because, frankly, it/he was unforgettable. The Viking stove, the custom-made oak dresser, the amazing dinners, the shopping, the great wine, the getting each other off fabulously and, of course, the baby's arm aren't things one lets recede from his/her consciousness so easily. Sure, the whole thing turned out to be fake and from the mind of someone named the Cajun Boy who does not really work at Goldman Sachs or at any other financial institution, including Bear Stearns, for that matter, but did anyone give a shit? No. In fact, several of the women who originally responded to the ad sent follow-up messages to CB, telling him that if he'd agree to stay in character-- for those who don't know, his name is "Thad"--their rather open-ended offers of what he could do to them remained on the table. We thought that was special and decided to set up an interview with Mr. T. Unfortunately, some of us-- I'll say it, me-- have been grappling with some crippling laziness this past week and found it difficult to make time for Thad, what with our busy schedule of sleeping and not doing anything. He even came by the office but we only spoke for a few minutes cause our shows were on. So Thad was forced to do the interview to himself with the part of "Bess" being played by, in Thad's words, "my right hand." Enjoy.

"Bess": Hello. Nice to meet you.
Thad: Hi there.
"Bess": I suppose that I should begin by asking you a few questions about your infamous Craigslist ad. Did you receive lots of responses?
Thad: Hundreds. Thousands. Hundreds of thousands. Can you blame any girl who read that ad NOT to respond? C'mon, I'd bet that you even sent in a response under an anonymous email address. You actually look kind of familiar. Did you send a picture with your response?

"Bess": Um, no.
Thad: So you did respond!
"Bess": No, I meant that I didn't respond in any way, nor would I send a picture if I did, which I didn't.
Thad: Well, I kind of wish that you had.
"Bess": Ok, moving on. All of us at Dealbreaker are curious, why did your girlfriend leave you so abruptly with her "I'm done" note?
Thad: I don't know. She's fucking crazy. She was kinda pissed that I went to Vegas, New Orleans and Miami for bachelor parties on three consecutive weekends. She was always talking crazy and accusing me of banging strippers while I was away, but each time I came back I offered her the chance to smell my dick so that she could see that I hadn't done anything with any other girls, but she wasn't going for it. Whatever, I'm over her.
"Bess": How did you meet her?
Thad: She was the real estate broker who sold me my condo. Broker broads love finance guys. That's why they become brokers in Manhattan, so that they can meet guys like me. Everybody knows that. Whatever, I don't really want to talk about her any more. Like I said she's fucking crazy. All of the girls that I seem to date are fucking crazy. I'm like a seal to the crazy broad's shark I guess. Whatever, I'm moving on to better things. Besides, she didn't really do much to enhance my virtual assets.
"Bess": How so?
Thad: You know, she didn't offer me much in the way that she had things that I could use, other than her box of course, but even that was just slightly above average. Her family didn't have a house in Aspen that I could use. Or a boat to throw parties on. Shit like that. She didn't have much to offer that made my life better is what I'm saying. Her virtual assets were lacking.
"Bess": Wow. Interesting. I guess the other thing that everyone seems to be most curious about is your endowment, which you described as resembling "a baby's arm" in your ad.
Thad: I didn't say that. I said that "a certain part of my anatomy" resembled "a baby's arm." That's wishful thinking on your part.
"Bess": Well, does your penis resemble "a baby's arm" or not? And if so, what age is the baby? Are we talking newborn or a two year old here. My roommate posits that the former "wouldn't be anything to write home about."
Thad: That depends. It's all relative. Some babies are bigger than others. Have a few more drinks and come home with me later if you want to find out.
"Bess": I'm okay for now. Where do you buy condoms for something like that?
Thad: I have them tailored.
"Bess": How so?
Thad: Custom fitted. You know how they say you can never wear an off the rack suit once you've worn a tailored one? Well, the same thing goes for a condom.
"Bess": But where do you get tailored condoms?
Thad: There's this Asian dude who makes them for me. He's Japanese or Vietnamese or Thai or something, I don't know. This girl at the rub and tug that I go to gave me his info.
"Bess": So, you got an erection and he took your measurements.
Thad: Exactly. I sat in a room and watched some porn and got it all fluffy for him and then he measured it. And he made a mold of it.
"Bess": That's...interesting. Well, moving on. So that bonus that you received. Any plans to spend it?
Thad: I'll probably get a few watches. Guys like me can never have enough nice watches. Gotta have a different one for each day of the week and every occasion. I've always been a Breitling guy but I think it may be time to upgrade to Patek Philippe. The first thing a girl looks at on a guy is his watch. It's important. I also want to hire a personal assistant. You know, someone to drop off my laundry and to let the cleaning lady in. Hopefully someone cute. And eager.
"Bess": Um, yeah.
Thad: Oh, I also want to take flying lessons so I can get a share in a private plane and fly out to my Hamptons house on the weekends during the summer. Wouldn't that be so badass?! My buddy Josh has been talking about getting an Aston Martin with his bonus and how it's going to get him so much poon but I'll trump his ass by flying broads out there. Why drive when you can fly? Driving's for losers anyway.
"Bess": Well, this has certainly been interesting but I really have to get back to the office. Do you keep any sort of diary or a journal, by chance? I think that our readers would love to get some regular insights into your fabulous life.
Thad: Actually I do. Are you asking me if I would let you print parts of my journal on Dealbreaker? If you think it'll help me score ass, yeah sure.
("Bess" nods)
"Bess": Great! We can't wait to hear all about you and your life in the coming weeks.
Thad: Well now that the interview is done, what are you doing later? I'm having a few of the guys from my floor over for an American Gladiator party. Besides, they all wanted me to do a whiskey shot out of your navel so that I could find out what the inside of it tasted like, among other things, and describe it to them very graphically, so I know they'd all love to meet you. We're all curious as to whether or not Bess Levin gives the best lovin', know what I'm saying?
"Bess": Thanks, but I already have plans. Maybe next time.

Editor's Note: Thad's column starts next week. We'll let you know when we have a thad at dealbreaker dot com email, but for now, if there's anything you think he should address, send a note to cajunboyinthecity at gmail dot com and he'll pass it on to Mr. T.

Related