We think it's unfair that CNBC anchor Erin Burnett is allegedly taking shit from network brass for being a lover of the finer things in life. So for the rest of January, we're going to give you 8 Ways To Impress [anchor of your choice]. Today we'll start with Charlie Gasparino:
1. Buying me a week's worth of martinis at Tropix ("a great place to relax, have fun and enjoy great pina coladas while listening to cool music and to meet nice people"), my favorite joint in Rego Park, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking, would earn you big points in my book.
2. The proper work out gear keeps me calm when I'm getting pumped. Buy me a ten-pack of Champion sweatshirts. Show me you care by taking the time to cut off the sleeves (so that when I go back to the studio after whaling on my pecs, my veins are exposed for the staff's leering delight).
3. Finding the high end BowFlex--the one with the pull up bar, not the shitty one I bought for myself last Christmas--at my door would be great.
4. My contributions to literature and understanding are a passion of mine, so a gathering with a roomful of literati and Wall Street titans, especially Dick Grasso and Phil Purcell (if you can find him), to hear me read my favorite passages, would make for an exceptional evening. For all involved.
5. Looking out for my boys is really important to me. Sending some Chinese food and five signed copies of my book to myRego Park crew would be perfection.
6. You could unlock my heart by allowing me to pick my next theme park vacation. Busch Gardens, Wild Water Kingdom, Silver Dollar City, or any of the many Six Flags across the globe (no Eurodisney). I love theme parks, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 of them. I have many more to go.
7. Deli meats are a passion of mine. Buy me enough sooprezat so that I don't have to get up for a snack while reading the entirety of my latest book in one bathroom sitting.
8. Being "regular" is very important to me. Show me it's important to you, too, by not fucking bothering me while I'm on the can. On the other hand, if you thought to bringing me some slices of brazuool [NSFW: http://braciola.org/] (and a Heineken to wash it down) while I'm in there, that would be perfection.