Skip to main content

Buy Neverland Ranch, Don't Matter If You're Black Or White

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Many of you received shit bonuses, no bonuses, or, worst of all, UBS bonuses this year, but surely there’s someone out there who can cough up the cash to buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, yes? Yes! Say it with me like you mean it! Say it, Andrew J. Hall! Say it, Dan S. Loeb (15 CPW is déclassé, just walk away)! Say it, Citi prop desk, who couldn't get the money together if their lives depended on it but whose collective child/adulthood dream, nonetheless, is sleep where Jacko ‘N Kids hath slept!
Here’s the scratch: Mr. Jackson has less than a month to come up with the $24.5 million dollars he owes on the property that Fox Business reminds us was “at the center of his child molestation case” and then wonders—leadingly, in our opinion—who would want to make the buy? Pretty sure we just offered three serious suggestions but to reiterate: Andrew Hall. Dan Loeb. Citi prop desk. YOU. Though Jackson recently refinanced the estate and netted out $35 million cash, experts say it’s not enough to pay his obligations and the mortgage, especially considering he’s already blown a sizeable chunk of change on pop rocks and an ice cream truck. If that’s the case, the whole thing (land and buildings, rides, trains, art, curtains, cock rings, skin bleach), valued at $50-100 million will go to auction on March 19th for the bargain basement starting price of $24.5. This is a no-brainer.


If You're Selling An Apartment In Manhattan, Just Call 203-890-2000 And Ask For Steve

Perhaps you thought that hedge fund manager Steve Cohen's recent need to indulge in a little retail therapy had been satisfied by the purchases of a $60 million Hamptons home and a $155 million painting. That dropping 200+ mill had made him feel better about certain things going on right now that are out of his control. That the bank was closed. Well you thought wrong! The East End house and the Picasso were apparently but a warm-up, which the Big Guy followed up by buying a building on Perry Street and, possibly, an apartment 6 blocks away.