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Let's Talk About Sex (Alternatively, Let's Not Talk About It, Because Someone's "A Gentleman")

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Well, I spoke to 1-2, who's taking the day off from work to recover from his date with 'girl' (kidding, he always takes Fridays off, sometimes Mondays, too, and every other Wednesday, and the second and fourth Tuesdays of each month). On the one hand, it sounds like they had a nice little first date. On the other, 1-2 didn't give me shit! Honestly, the whole experience (the recap, not the date) was like pulling teeth. I get that he has to "play it cool" and "respect" her by not kissing and telling but John Francis Carney III, Esquire! show me some freaking gratitude. I brought you two together, I facilitated this whole thing. I'm not asking you scream out my name in the throes of passion (though people often do) or let me babysit the kids but show a little leg for god's sake.
So. If anyone has a problem with the lack of entertainment value after the jump, take it up with 3-4, not me. The next time DealBreaker gets involved in the love lives of our readers, you can bet there'll be a contractual obligation for explicit details and video footage. To that end, as soon as the editing is completed, we'll be posting the results of commenter anal_yst's date with commenter anal_yst. You will not be disappointed, this much I promise you.
DBBL (1:37:57 PM): ok so you met at the smith
DBBL (1:37:59 PM): what time
1-2 (1:38:03 PM): 830
DBBL (1:38:09 PM): who got there first
1-2 (1:38:22 PM): she did
DBBL (1:38:32 PM): were you late?
1-2 (1:38:46 PM): nah, i got there at like 832
DBBL (1:38:50 PM): ok
DBBL (1:38:59 PM): did you do any pre-date rituals beforehand?

1-2 (1:39:25 PM): i really didnt know what to expect.
DBBL (1:39:36 PM): what did you wear?
1-2 (1:39:50 PM): suit, no tie
DBBL (1:40:04 PM): suit
DBBL (1:40:09 PM): that's a little intense dont you think?
DBBL (1:40:13 PM): were you coming from work?
DBBL (1:40:20 PM): you already got your bonus
DBBL (1:40:25 PM): so no sense staying late
1-2 (1:40:45 PM): nah. it worked. it was a dark dark tan suit and striped shirt.
1-2 (1:40:53 PM): she was in a dress
DBBL (1:40:59 PM): what did it look like
DBBL (1:41:01 PM): color?
DBBL (1:41:03 PM): cut?
1-2 (1:41:11 PM): you had better get 'girl''s approval on anything before writing
DBBL (1:41:16 PM): i will
DBBL (1:41:22 PM): answer my questions
DBBL (1:42:27 PM): hello?
DBBL (1:42:30 PM): let's go
1-2 (1:42:42 PM): damnit woman
1-2 (1:42:43 PM): settle
DBBL (1:42:53 PM): i'm completely calm
DBBL (1:42:56 PM): cut/color?
1-2 (1:43:00 PM): she just wore a nice dress. strapless and black.
DBBL (1:43:08 PM): ok
DBBL (1:43:15 PM): you were both pretty dressed up
DBBL (1:43:24 PM): was she wearing heels?
1-2 (1:43:28 PM): yes
DBBL (1:43:30 PM): what was the height differential like
DBBL (1:43:34 PM): you're pretty tall
1-2 (1:44:12 PM): she was shorter than i, but i dont know really. i'd say 5'9 with heels?
1-2 (1:44:16 PM): really bad guess though
DBBL (1:44:54 PM): first thought when you saw her?
1-2 (1:45:03 PM): cuter than i expected
DBBL (1:45:10 PM): that's nice
1-2 (1:45:28 PM): easy to pick out though. her back was to me, but i could tell it was her.
DBBL (1:45:37 PM): how
DBBL (1:45:43 PM): just a "feeling"?
1-2 (1:45:48 PM): yea
DBBL (1:45:58 PM): what was the awkwardness level like at first
DBBL (1:46:14 PM): and did you acknowledge it
DBBL (1:46:18 PM): "this is weird"
DBBL (1:46:19 PM): etc
DBBL (1:46:29 PM): did you talk about ron blarney at all?
1-2 (1:46:50 PM): ron blarney?
1-2 (1:47:01 PM): it actually wasnt weird
DBBL (1:47:16 PM): dont act lke you don't know who ron blarney is
DBBL (1:47:25 PM): ron blarney?
DBBL (1:47:29 PM): lon varney?
DBBL (1:47:31 PM): don klarney?
DBBL (1:47:40 PM): stop me when the lightbulb goes off
1-2 (1:48:11 PM): keep going
DBBL (1:48:28 PM): ill let you think about it
DBBL (1:48:32 PM): ok the date
DBBL (1:48:36 PM): back to it
DBBL (1:48:39 PM): what did everyone order
DBBL (1:49:08 PM): and were you at a round table or a square one, across from each other or side by side
1-2 (1:49:18 PM): we split mac n cheese and then she wanted a "bloody steak" so i agreed to split a ny strip and fried
1-2 (1:49:21 PM): fries
1-2 (1:49:29 PM): they put us in a corner
1-2 (1:49:36 PM): i made a crack that you did that somehow
DBBL (1:49:41 PM): hah
DBBL (1:50:14 PM): ok so she likes rare meat, that's good, i hate ppl who get it any more cooked than medium rare
DBBL (1:50:17 PM): what did you drink
1-2 (1:50:39 PM): i had hendricks on the rocks
DBBL (1:50:54 PM): and she had....
1-2 (1:51:00 PM): dewers and diet
DBBL (1:51:25 PM): what did you talk about
DBBL (1:51:48 PM): what was the fliration level like
DBBL (1:52:08 PM): and was her hair up or down
1-2 (1:52:14 PM): hair down
1-2 (1:52:55 PM): talked about everything from how weird it was to our lives to the fact commener Random Banker claimed to have emailed us both yet he had only emailed her
DBBL (1:53:05 PM): at any time did she leave the table and you thought to yourself "yeah she's probably not going to come back"
DBBL (1:53:16 PM): wait, Random Banker emailed you?
DBBL (1:53:24 PM): i mean her
DBBL (1:53:26 PM): what'd he say
1-2 (1:53:26 PM): YEA
1-2 (1:54:05 PM): i made the first trip to the bathroom, which was rediculous (peep show, barber chair, photobooth) and told her she had to check it out before we left
DBBL (1:54:19 PM): the men's room?
1-2 (1:54:47 PM): uni
DBBL (1:54:57 PM): oh. that would've been a good "first date test," telling her to go into the men's room and see how she handled the challenge
DBBL (1:55:17 PM): anyway. what was her reaction (to the room, not to your forcing her to go in there)
1-2 (1:55:36 PM): thought it was rediculous like i did
DBBL (1:55:45 PM): who paid for dinner
1-2 (1:56:19 PM): i did, while she was in the bathroom
1-2 (1:56:27 PM): she bought drinks at amsterdam
DBBL (1:56:34 PM): how much was diner
DBBL (1:56:36 PM): dinner
1-2 (1:57:53 PM): under a hundred with drinks and tip
DBBL (1:58:20 PM): is there any particular reason you dont want to tell me the actual amount?
DBBL (1:58:25 PM): or do you just not remember
1-2 (1:58:38 PM): 95
DBBL (1:58:47 PM): k
1-2 (1:58:51 PM): drinks>food
DBBL (1:59:24 PM): Did you get wasted because you were having fun, or to dispel any lingering memories of the fact that you agreed to do this?
1-2 (1:59:56 PM): the former
DBBL (1:59:59 PM): nice
DBBL (2:00:08 PM): ok whose idea was it to go play pool
1-2 (2:00:11 PM): she was pretty hammered too though. i was playing catch up most of the night.
DBBL (2:00:17 PM): hah
1-2 (2:00:25 PM): mine. we were walking by it and thought it'd be fun
DBBL (2:00:28 PM): do you think she'd been drinking beforehand?
DBBL (2:00:35 PM): like before dinner
1-2 (2:00:37 PM): she had some wine before
DBBL (2:00:45 PM): smart
DBBL (2:00:52 PM): how was pool
DBBL (2:00:57 PM): who won
1-2 (2:02:24 PM): i won both games handidly
DBBL (2:02:34 PM): was she awkwardly bad or cute bad
1-2 (2:02:39 PM): tried to help her out
DBBL (2:02:52 PM): like were you embarrassed for her or did you find it endearing
DBBL (2:02:58 PM): did your pointers help?
1-2 (2:03:41 PM): cute bad. she was trying.
DBBL (2:04:03 PM): how did she react to losing?
1-2 (2:04:06 PM): its really hard for someone to embarrass me with their own actions (ie, being bad at something)
1-2 (2:04:12 PM): so i guess it was endearing
1-2 (2:04:19 PM): she bought drinks
DBBL (2:04:27 PM): i always experience second hand embarssment
DBBL (2:04:33 PM): the losing though
DBBL (2:04:36 PM): how did she take it
DBBL (2:04:44 PM): i sense a competitive streak in her
DBBL (2:04:47 PM): (in a good way)
DBBL (2:05:20 PM): and is she a trash talker?
DBBL (2:05:47 PM): take your time in addressing any of these
DBBL (2:05:51 PM): i have all the time in the world
1-2 (2:06:57 PM): the losing?
DBBL (2:07:17 PM): i actually meant please address all the questions
1-2 (2:07:51 PM): oh jesus, i didnt see those
1-2 (2:07:53 PM): weird
1-2 (2:07:53 PM): ok
1-2 (2:07:54 PM): hmmm
DBBL (2:08:10 PM): pointers/trash talk/losing
1-2 (2:08:15 PM): pointers helped
DBBL (2:08:22 PM): cool
1-2 (2:08:35 PM): not much trash talking to be honest. more just flirting enjoying the night.
DBBL (2:08:53 PM): i mean, TT is a form of flirtation
DBBL (2:09:03 PM): was she ok w/ losing?
1-2 (2:09:36 PM): she knew she was a bad at pool walking in so she didnt trash talk or worry about her game
1-2 (2:09:43 PM): although she missed the cue ball a few times
1-2 (2:09:44 PM): haha
1-2 (2:09:54 PM): tt is flirty, but it wasnt right
DBBL (2:10:07 PM): what does that mean
DBBL (2:10:13 PM): it wasn't appropriate to trash talk?
DBBL (2:10:18 PM): k anyway
DBBL (2:10:21 PM): what did you drink there
1-2 (2:10:51 PM): beers
1-2 (2:10:53 PM): bud for me
1-2 (2:10:56 PM): stella for her
DBBL (2:11:06 PM): any shots?
1-2 (2:11:09 PM): tt just wasnt right at the time
1-2 (2:11:09 PM): none
DBBL (2:11:21 PM): then what
DBBL (2:12:09 PM): ?
1-2 (2:12:41 PM): then we went to kiss n fly
DBBL (2:12:49 PM): whose idea was that
1-2 (2:12:50 PM): walked half way then jumped in a cab
1-2 (2:12:52 PM): mine
DBBL (2:12:58 PM): why'd you chose that place
DBBL (2:13:08 PM): out of curiosity
1-2 (2:13:22 PM): my buddy had a group of people there
DBBL (2:13:36 PM): interesting
DBBL (2:13:41 PM): was there any making out in the cab?
1-2 (2:14:05 PM): maybe
DBBL (2:14:19 PM): you already told me you made out
DBBL (2:14:35 PM): so let's just establish when/where the first kiss occurred
1-2 (2:14:49 PM): cant tell you that
1-2 (2:14:52 PM): you can ask her
DBBL (2:14:54 PM): show a little gratitude for me bringing you two together
DBBL (2:14:58 PM): fine
DBBL (2:15:00 PM): i will ask her
[This was her response via email: "Wait we made out?? JK. A lady never tells."]
DBBL (2:15:15 PM): so what happened at K&F
1-2 (2:15:26 PM): i have given you a freaking play by play, it's not like im stone walling
1-2 (2:15:46 PM): we sat on the stage with my buddy and his group (mostly girls oddly)
1-2 (2:15:54 PM): drank jack and goose
1-2 (2:16:02 PM): stayed til like 245
DBBL (2:17:12 PM): what were her interactions like w/ the other ladies
1-2 (2:17:32 PM): stayed mostly to us
DBBL (2:19:02 PM): did the ppl you were hanging out with know you guys had met on the internet?
1-2 (2:19:32 PM): nah
1-2 (2:19:37 PM): didnt tell them anything
DBBL (2:20:15 PM): if things get serious will you tell ppl you met on the internet? or come up with an alternative story
1-2 (2:20:34 PM): nah, the true story is too good
DBBL (2:23:02 PM): alright well what happened there
DBBL (2:23:12 PM): i need some fucking details
DBBL (2:23:26 PM): you want to disappoint the readers?
1-2 (2:23:50 PM): no, but i dont want to disappoint her either
DBBL (2:24:03 PM): im checking this w/ her before i post
1-2 (2:24:41 PM): i know
1-2 (2:25:24 PM): we danced, drank
1-2 (2:25:27 PM): hungout
1-2 (2:25:38 PM): there were really no stories from when we were at k n f
DBBL (2:27:14 PM): fine
DBBL (2:27:22 PM): then tell me how it ended
1-2 (2:27:46 PM): ended well.
1-2 (2:28:09 PM): she needed to go home, and i needed to talk with some of the guys for a few minutes longer
DBBL (2:28:12 PM): was there talk continuing things at one of your apts
DBBL (2:28:16 PM): oh yeah?
DBBL (2:28:20 PM): what did yo have to talk to htem about
1-2 (2:28:28 PM): doesnt matter. not date related.
1-2 (2:28:40 PM): i hadnt talked to a few of them all night, so i wanted to say hey
1-2 (2:28:52 PM): no one went home with the other
DBBL (2:28:54 PM): did you walk her out
1-2 (2:29:26 PM): we've been emailing today though
1-2 (2:29:28 PM): things are good
1-2 (2:29:38 PM): even though i was a douche bag and didnt walk her out
1-2 (2:29:46 PM): at that point i was pretty wasted
DBBL (2:30:13 PM): think you'll see her this weekend?
1-2 (2:30:58 PM): probably
DBBL (2:31:25 PM): any last words?
1-2 (2:32:02 PM): it was worth the trouble


Is this you right now? Getty Images

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Let's Talk About: Basel III

The Fed last night unleashed eight zillion pages of Basel III implementation on the universe and I'm tempted to be like "open thread, tell us about your hopes and fears for capital regulation." So do that! Or don't because it is super boring, that is also a valid approach. Still I guess we should discuss. Starting slow though. Banks have to have capital, meaning that they have to fund some of their assets with things that are long-lived and loss-absorbing, like common equity, rather than with things that have to be paid back soon and at face value. The reason for this is that the rest of banks' assets are funded with things that we really do want to be paid back soon and at face value, like deposits, and if the value of those assets declines you don't want those deposits to be wiped out. The rules say that you need capital equal to a percentage of your assets. The game is deciding (1) what that percentage is, (2) what is capital (proceeds from selling common stock, and actual earnings, yes, but, like, deferred tax assets?), and (3) how you count assets (you might want more capital to shield you from losses in, say, social media stocks than you would to shield you from losses in Treasury bonds, so regulators use "risk-weighted assets," so that $1 of corporate bonds counts as $1 of assets, $1 of Treasuries counts as $0 of assets, and $1 of Facebook stock counts as $3 of assets*). Anyway, here are the required capital levels: