Congratulations, You're Unemployed! Enjoy The Saturated Fat

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So a lot of businesses that count on you throwing around your disposable incomes are worried that the minor issue of you no longer having incomes to throw might negatively affect their bottoms lines. Even those of you with jobs might be scaling back, they fear, on stuff like multi-million dollar apartments, lap dances, SeamlessWeb orders and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. One guy who doesn’t seem too stressed about the sitch on Wall Street becoming his problem is Eric Bedoucha, the chef at downtown bakery Financier Patisserie. He told the Times that in his experience, people always buy cake, it just depends on whether it’s to celebrate someone being hired (“They buy a ‘Welcome to our team!’ cake”) or fired (“They buy a ‘Good luck!’ cake”). Since the bakery opened in 2002, just after the last bubble burst, Bedoucha isn’t sure what happens re: eating your feelings in the case of large-scale layoffs. Know what we’re not sure about? This whole story. Seriously, who buys a hired cake? What does it say, exactly? “Congratulations, you now report to the guy who reports to the guy who reports to the guy who reports to John Mack!”? And more importantly, who buys a fired cake? What sort of grown men are consoled about the fact that they just got canned by eggs and flour? And, okay, let’s just pretend there are some people out there who buy these Fired Cakes; what kind of asshole requests that the thing says, “Good luck,” which is basically like writing, “Take care”? Are we wrong here? Is the half of Bear Stearns that’s in the process of being let go gorging themselves on these consolation prizes? Let us know (Blarney bakes).
With Economy Tied to Wall St., New York Braces for Job Cuts [NYT]

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Are your pants getting a little tight? Have you become convinced mirrors have a personal vendetta against you? Are you too distracted by the rolls spilling over your pants to trade? Do you find yourself veering off course in your letters to investors to talk about your love handles? Is it only a matter of time before you lose your firm billions and/or take down the entire market because your fingers are so big they span four keys each on the keyboard? Do you want to do something about it but are repulsed by the idea of healthy eating and exercise and also know yourself well enough to realize that there is no way you're going to be able to stay strong if everyone around you is eating delicious fried food at lunch and sooner or later you, a usually pretty mild-mannered guy, will be leaping across a row of Bloomberg terminals and threatening to kill a coworker (and meaning it) unless he hands over Ho Ho now? Then round up your tubbiest colleagues and tell them they're in for a real treat. Eric Helms, who founded the four-year-old Cooler Cleanse company with the actress Salma Hayek, says office cleansers now make up 30 percent of his business, and in the last year he has hired three customer-service employees just to handle the details of them. He said there has been a “huge increase in popularity” of cleansing with co-workers in the last year, which he credits to juice diets being more mainstream. “Everyone knows someone who’s done one, and they realize they’re a lot easier to do with colleagues during the workweek,” he said. “People want to indulge” — not sip celery — “on weekends.” Recent six-juice-a-day-dieters include employees at Merrill Lynch and the Carlyle Group, she said. In May, Citigroup began offering BluePrintCleanse in some of its Manhattan cafeterias, a spokeswoman said...About two-thirds of cleanse clients over all are women, but corporate cleanses “commonly skew toward men, especially traders, investment bankers and lawyers,” said Jina Wye, director of sales and marketing for BluePrintCleanse, founded in 2007 by two former Hudson Hotel bartenders looking to swap their poisons. (Mr. Helms said 90 percent of his male customers are part of groups.) Ms. Wye said: “These Type-A men have an all-or-none perspective. If they’re going to commit, they do it whole hog.” Most popular among male en masse cleansers: the Excavation cleanse, described on the Web site as “the most intense.” And if you want to really crank things up a notch, consider gauging interest in a group colonic to top things off. Cleansing From Cubicle To Cubicle [NYT] Related: I’m afraid I might tell her to buy a gun and just shoot me before the fat and the cellulite strike again.