Skip to main content

Eliot Spitz'or Swallow

  • Author:
  • Updated:

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has informed his most senior administration officials that he had been "involved in a prostitution ring." Announcement "coming" soon.
While we wait: what does it mean "involved" in a prostitution ring mean? Please say fluffer. Can't wait to hear what best friend Jim Cramer has to say about this one.
Disappointing update: The Times is now saying he was a client, and not a pimp.
Not disappointing update: This all took place in Washington.
More: CNN keeps running stock footage of Spitzer in what looks like a hotel conference room with an ear-to-ear smile on his face, not unlike the smile we assume he had before diving into his paid for pussy. (Ed’s Note. That sounds so dirty! When in Rome, I guess.)
Still Haven't Heard From Him: In the meantime, the illegal coitus might'veall went down via escort service Emperors [sic] Club VIP, which investigators broke up last week, though the Spitz’orSwallows Administration hasn’t yet said if there’s a connection. If it is, holy Christ—the club charges up to $5,500 an hour. Not $500, $5,500. For one hour. What kind of value-added services must be provided to justify that fee? I’m looking for actual answers here.
41 minutes late and counting: Last year, I attended a talk at the 92nd Street Y with Spitzer blood brother, Jim Cramer. He kept talking about “what a knockout” Eliot’s wife, Silda, is.
Hmm: I wonder what Eliot’s thinking about right now.
Additionally: The Gov. is expected to resign. Pussy.
Electronic Paper Trails: This is why, when you’re making arrangements to have sex with a hooker, you don’t use your fucking cell phone. Amateur!
Maybe now, I won’t be the only one obsessively chronicling his every move: Charlie Gasparino’s comment on the matter-- "I think prostitution should be legal."
Spitzer says: "I'm sorry" and "I will report back in short order." So I guess he's got more to say? Just got to tie up a few loose ends? See what the reaction was to the initial comments?
Um: While we hang around waiting for Part II, Spitz kind of sounded like a cocky asshole just now, didn’t he? Not quite sure how to feel about this—on the one hand, I want to hear you groveling, bitch. On the other—way to own it.
Weak: Eliot was apparently referred to as "Client 9" by the staff at the Emperors [sic] Club VIP. I think we all know you guys can come up with a better nickname than that.
Awk: As noted by Fox Business guest and Brickhouse Security (distributor of the Semen Detector) CEO, Todd Morris, February 13, the night the tryst took place, is the most popular day of the year to cheat on your spouse.
Let's Get To The Bottom Of This: From The Smoking Gun filing that went up on Friday, after investigators busted the Emperors [sic] Club VIP, before the Spitz connection came in to play, prostitute Kristen, referring to “Client-9,” i.e. Big E: “He would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe—you know—I mean that…very basic things.” Alright, what are we talking about here? What's something that's not kinky but also not safe? So far the only thing we can figure is anal sans condom. “Basic,” but probably not something you’d want to do with a hooker. I’ll put up a poll shortly. Get thinking.
Good question: CNBC's Melissa Francis asks, "Does this sound like a typical [prostitute] situation?" What is a "typical [prostitute] situation"? I expect Warren Buffett to offer some remarks shortly. (Like he doesn’t have any thoughts on the matter.)
I agree: "To say there was literally a ring of prostitutes for me to sample like an endless buffet, is absurd. It was never more than two or three girls at a time. So by my calculations that makes it, at most, a prostitution prism."
NittyGritty: Obviously, overall, Wall Street is happy about the news. One trader told Bob Pisani it means “there is a God.” But we want more individualized, firm-specific responses. Like, Merrill Lynch was one of SpitorSwallows first targets. Are they happier about the revelations that the erstwhile Attorney General fucked a hooker than, say, Lehman? What does Bridgewater think of this? The virgins at RenTec? Is everyone at SAC all like, “Not interested”? “Wake us when the transgendered aspect comes into play”? We're realists-- we don't expect official statements to be issued, but we still expect you to let us know.
The real question is......who are Clients 1-8 (and 10-50)? As previously stated, "There is a God" was the first thought on Wall Street. The next thought is, "Please don't let it be revealed that I'm Lucky Number 7." You know I'm right. But I'm also in the dark re: naming names. Clearly 1, 2, and 3 aren’t going to turn themselves in, though Hudso—I MEAN NUMBER 4 would probably want to brag about this kind of thing. It’s share-time, people.
Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring [NYT]