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Getting You Out Of Jail Free

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I love every aspect of this quaint tale about Canadian hedge fund manager Matthew MacIsaac (MM Asset Management) facing cocaine charges (he was arrested at the end of a six-week investigation known as Project White Rabbit, at a club called the Comfort Zone; the damning bit of a evidence from a “rival” manager that MacIsaac is building a new house with his and her sinks in the master bath) but here’s what I love most: the fact that MacIsaac apparently attempted to “explain” the $600 in his pocket to the police officers on the raid by saying, “I’m a hedge fund manager.” A little bit because (and I could be wrong) I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal to have cash in your pocket, so it sounds like MM folded like a cheap suit even Thain* wouldn’t be caught dead wearing, and a lot a bit because in my mind, it’s the new default excuse everyone can use, for any situation with even the hint of consequence. Just imagine yourself to be one of your favorite hedge fund managers, and respond as they would -- as in the examples below.
Officer: Did you just litter, pal?
Leon Cooperman: Yes, but officer, I can explain: I'm a hedge fund manager.
Officer: Sir, this is a peaceful demonstration. We don't allow people to immolate themselves to protest eating meat.
Dan Loeb: First off, fuck you and your animal-clogged arteries. And b., I answer to a higher authority—I’m a hedge fund manager. [Douses himself in lamp oil and lights a match.]
Angry Shareholders: Did you just lose our company $100 billion in shareholder capital?
Jim Cayne: It's OK, I'm Big Daddy Cayn--I mean, I'm a hedge fund manager.
Barnes and Nobles employee: Did you just take that book in the bathroom with you?
Larry Robbins: Yeah, and I was in there for a while, too but don’t worry about it: I’m a hedge fund manager.
Guard: There's no smoking in the museum, pal.
Jim Simons: Oh, it's all right, buddy. I'm a hedge fund manager.
David Spade: Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Steve Cohen: I think you're going to be okay here because I deep fried the chocolate then coated it with caramelized sugar, thereby creating a hard candy shell. Plus, I’m a hedge fund manager.
Hedge fund manager faces cocaine charge [Globe And Mail]
*He looks like a cheap Midwesterner.


By Federal Bureau of Prisons ( [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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