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Getting You The Bonus You Deserve

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It might seem like we got a kick out of writing about all of you who took it up the tailpipe this bonus season but, in truth, it pained us. We want you to get big bonuses 'cause when you don't, the Meat Packing district suffers, and Murray Hill suffers, and my beautiful roommate suffers. All unacceptable crimes against humanity. We know it wasn't all your fault-- many of you can simply blame your employers for losing billions of dollars and not having the scratch--, but, if we're being honest, it probably was a little your fault. They could've come up with the money, somehow, but you didn't give them a reason to, and, instead, your boss stuffed 5 gift certificates to the Sizzler in an envelope and thanked you, insincerely, for your time.
In order to prevent this from happening again, we're going to start doling out little tips that will ensure next time around, you'll be saying "Oh, please, Mr. Thain, don't shove another hundo in my mouth." Today's tip is: kiss ass. But not in a transparent, could be construed as sexual harassment way ("You look really good today, Mr. Blankfein, did you do something different with your hair?"). It'll take a little sleuthing, but we generally find the best approach is to find out what your boss's interests are, and pretend to have them, too. I'll lead by example. Say I were trying to kiss Carney's ass, via claiming to like spending my free time the same way he does. I might say something like, "Hey, Carns, I don't know if this is something you're into, but my friends and I are getting together to play some Dungeons and Dragons this weekend, I thought, if you're not doing anything, you'd maybe want to come with, even though it'll be a total geek-fest? LOLOMG, it's your favorite game, too?"
Mind Games: Dungeons & Dragons Immersed Players in Another World, by Brian M. Carney [WSJ]