Jobs Of The Week: Work At, You Know, And Think You Might Need One?

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- UBS AG is looking for a soft commodities broker in London. Salary is listed as "attractive" which sounds like it ought to be better than "competitive" but who knows. Adjectives can be very misleading.
- Hogan's Heroes are looking for a senior financial analyst. Could be fun.
- SAC needs someone to develop new quantitative trading strategies, plus a P&L guy to figure out if they're making any money.
Career Center [DealBreaker]

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Think You Can Anticipate "The Needs And Desires" Of Lynn Tilton?

Unhappy in your current position and desperate to make a move? Completely content but looking for opportunities for professional growth? Today's your lucky day. Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, she of Christmas card, jello shots, whipped cream off her breasts, and "I won't come in your mouth" fame is looking for a personal assistant. Job Description: Want to learn the private equity business from one of the most successful female business owners in the country? If so, Patriarch Partners may be just the ticket. Yale and Columbia Business School Graduate, Lynn Tilton owns the largest woman-owned business in the country and is seeking an Executive Assistant to work by her side as she endeavors to save American jobs by rescuing and turning around iconic American companies. Her current portfolio consists of 75 companies representing more than $8 billion of revenues including MD Helicopters, Rand McNally, Dura Automotive, Spiegel Catalogs and Stila Cosmetics. Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to the following: • Manage Ms. Tilton’s business and personal life in the manner of a Congressional/Senatorial Chief of Staff • Liaise with the portfolio company executives • Manage Ms. Tilton’s travel and be available to travel at a moment’s notice • Provide briefs on all meetings and handle follow-up from high level meetings • Work closely with finance, credit, human resources and communications departments to make certain Ms. Tilton is knowledgeable at all times about the state of business at the holding company level • Meet and greet all clients, guests and visitors in a warm & friendly manner • Travel with Ms. Tilton and top executives making certain all meetings and activities run smoothly, efficiently and effectively • Have working knowledge of all companies in Patriarch’s portfolio • Be able to manage real estate properties owned by Ms. Tilton • Provide back-up support to the Executive Assistant when necessary; run personal errands, personal shopping, and coordinate/interact with household staff and vendors • Manage daily health and well being of Ms. Tilton • Maintain discretion with confidential information and documents at all times Qualifications: • Bachelors Degree from top 10 college • Have a hands on, no job too big, no job too small sensibility • Intelligent, warm and friendly personality with a positive attitude and etiquette • Excellent written, oral, and interpersonal skills • High energy personality and healthy lifestyle belief system • Extremely organized and proactive with impeccable attention to detail • Professional appearance, polished and thick skinned • Ability to stay calm under pressure • Ability to work in a fast-paced, dynamic and collaborative environment, flexible and adaptable to change • Strong work ethic, self-directed with ability to multi-task and communicate effectively with individuals at all levels of the organization • Forward thinking always anticipating the needs and desires of Ms. Tilton • A sense of humor • Consummate computer skills: Outlook, Word, Excel, etc. • A "do whatever it takes" mentality Related: This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack Lynn Tilton Accused Of Physically, Verbally Assaulting Employees, ‘Barely Restraining’ Her Breasts Lynn Tilton: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

If You Think You Were Unfairly Fired From Your Banking Job And Work In The UK, You've Got Two Options

1. Get over it. 2. Get over it. UK judges couldn't give less of a fuck. Fired bankers suing for unfair dismissal and unpaid bonuses have found little success at London’s specialty employment courts as continuing anger over the financial crisis has left judges unsympathetic. The adverse decisions from the U.K. Employment Tribunal come after London bankers had a run of legal successes with courts ruling they were entitled to large bonuses written into contracts before the economic downturn. The latest round of cases have largely been based instead on wrongful termination, where the banks have been able to make stronger arguments. A former JPMorgan Chase banker, fired for mispricing aluminum trades, discovered the new reality the hard way Oct. 17, when a London judge threw out his suit for not properly explaining how “a large number of errors” he made benefited his trading book by about $400,000. Other claims tossed this year involved securities manipulation and threats from colleagues. “In the current climate there is little sympathy for bankers,” said Andreas White, an employment lawyer at Kingsley Napley LLP in London. “Banking is the only industry where claimant employees are even less popular” than their bosses. Fired Bankers’ Lawsuits Fail as Judges Tire of Bonus Claims [Bloomberg]