What Are You Doing Tomorrow?


Whatever it is, cancel it—the event of the year is taking place. At 3:30 p.m., cafeteria workers employed by Aramark at banks throughout the city (JP Morgan, Citi, etc) will call on client and owner Goldman Sachs to “spread the wealth” a little more evenly when it comes to divvying up bonuses, via freedom march from 1 Wall Street to 85 Broad and back. They want higher wages (current salary is $410/week), affordable health insurance, and for Lloyd Blankfein to take a second to think about what his life will be like when he’s forced to roll up his sleeves and grab an udder, after his assistant, sent down for a trough of those individual creamers from which to build a ziggurat daily, is told the dairy shoppe is closed. Organizer Bruce Raynor says he expects the demonstration—which a sandwich boarded special guest is expected to attend—will get Goldman to make change.
Obviously we wish the protestors the best, but should their actions not effect jack, we suggest seeking employment further north, at a hedge fund known for treating its cafeteria workers like kings, on account of the owner’s strict dietary habits (a Monte Cristo every hour on the hour, a freshly baked cake every quarter on the quarter). To vie for one of these highly coveted positions, one must go through a lengthy interview process including an on-site personal pan pizza-making exam so, as they say, start brushing up. It goes without saying that being equipped with the knowledge of how to cut off the top a leaf cookie (its natural state provides "too much bready and not enough chocoately chocolate" for the devourer in question) without sacrificing any of the choc would serve you well.