Lehman: Sucking Less Than Bear

Author:
Updated:
Original:

Lehman might've liquidated a bunch of tanking funds late yesterday, and been down three percent in early trading this morning but the Brothers managed to avoid complete and total social leprosy when analyst Mike Mayo deemed them "not Bear." In fact, Dick Fuld was said to be so happy at being labeled as anything at all other than BSC ("failures," "commies," "Citi" all being preferable), that he's rumored to have sent out a memo to all staff this morning announcing the kick off of an "anti-Bear" campaign on the heels of Mayo's designation.
All staff are to adopt the mantra "not Bear," and spread the word that Lehman is "not Bear," at all times. Shareholders complaining your stock price is down? You tell those whiney fucks, "I'm sorry, would you rather be trading at $10.25/share? Yeah, that's what I thought. Next time you want to come at me with that, you just remember how lucky you are that we're Not Bear." Someone asks about the percentage of Level 3 assets on our books? The proper response shall be: "Level 3 is for the Bears. And we're Not Bear(s) so I'm not sure why you're bothering me with this shit." Some reporter calls with a story about toxic assets in CDOs? You go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I think you were trying to reach some bank other than Not Bear. This is the main switchboard for Not Bear, shall I transfer you to JPMorgan?" Girlfriend getting resentful of the fact that you've let yourself go since college? You tell that trollop, "Hey, Trixie, why don't you give your ex "Todd" a call. Hear he's got lots of free time to hit the gym now that he got LAID OFF FROM BEAR! Then, once you've bored of him and you want a Not Bear man... give me a call." Then don't put out for a week, just to show her you mean business. And so on and so forth.
In related news, JPMorgan is trading down slightly on renewed Bear association fears.
Lehman and the ‘De-Risking’ Dilemma [DealBook]

Related

Some Lehman Brothers Alums Doing Demonstrably Better Than Others

Joe Gregory has been forced to put his Long Island-chic manse on the market. Dick Fuld's been pounding the pavement for months with nothing to show for it.  Bella is still dead. Not a lot to celebrate and yet some people have managed to do pretty okay for themselves despite having spent time at 745 7th Avenue. Erin Callan, as may have heard, is happily married to firefighter Anthony Montella and living in a $3.9 million house in the Hamptons and Evelyn Stevens, who actually worked at another firm before leaving Wall Street but should know that if you so much as set foot in the lobby of the building, you'll be branded a Lehman Brother or Sister for life, just competed in her first Olympics and no longer counts herself among financial services employees who spend their days fantasizing about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell. The 5-foot-5 (1.7-meter) Stevens said she’s using savings from banking bonuses to “cushion” the blow of lower earnings. She began her career as an investment-banking analyst at Lehman Brothers Inc., leaving in 2007 before the bank collapsed. “I was able to save a lot of my bonuses,” Stevens said. “I don’t have to survive on a $10,000 or $8,000 purse from cycling. If I hadn’t been in investment banking, I wouldn’t have been able to be at the Olympics.” She was 24th in yesterday’s Olympic women’s road race, finishing among a group including teammate Shelley Olds that was 27 seconds behind gold-medal winner Marianne Voss of the Netherlands. There were 66 riders at the start. While there’s a “big discrepancy” from what she once earned, Stevens said her quality of life has improved. After leaving behind a 90-hour working week in banking, she lives in Girona, Spain during the European racing season and Boulder, Colorado. “In New York there’s pressure, and it’s kind of negative, everyone was stressed,” Stevens, dressed in U.S. team tracksuit and lycra three-quarter length pants at the London Olympic Park, said July 27. “I don’t get so much money now but my quality of living has gone up.” Ex-Lehman Banker Parlays Bonuses Into Cycling Berth At Olympics [Bloomberg]