Lehman: Sucking Less Than Bear
Lehman might've liquidated a bunch of tanking funds late yesterday, and been down three percent in early trading this morning but the Brothers managed to avoid complete and total social leprosy when analyst Mike Mayo deemed them "not Bear." In fact, Dick Fuld was said to be so happy at being labeled as anything at all other than BSC ("failures," "commies," "Citi" all being preferable), that he's rumored to have sent out a memo to all staff this morning announcing the kick off of an "anti-Bear" campaign on the heels of Mayo's designation.
All staff are to adopt the mantra "not Bear," and spread the word that Lehman is "not Bear," at all times. Shareholders complaining your stock price is down? You tell those whiney fucks, "I'm sorry, would you rather be trading at $10.25/share? Yeah, that's what I thought. Next time you want to come at me with that, you just remember how lucky you are that we're Not Bear." Someone asks about the percentage of Level 3 assets on our books? The proper response shall be: "Level 3 is for the Bears. And we're Not Bear(s) so I'm not sure why you're bothering me with this shit." Some reporter calls with a story about toxic assets in CDOs? You go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I think you were trying to reach some bank other than Not Bear. This is the main switchboard for Not Bear, shall I transfer you to JPMorgan?" Girlfriend getting resentful of the fact that you've let yourself go since college? You tell that trollop, "Hey, Trixie, why don't you give your ex "Todd" a call. Hear he's got lots of free time to hit the gym now that he got LAID OFF FROM BEAR! Then, once you've bored of him and you want a Not Bear man... give me a call." Then don't put out for a week, just to show her you mean business. And so on and so forth.
In related news, JPMorgan is trading down slightly on renewed Bear association fears.
Lehman and the ‘De-Risking’ Dilemma [DealBook]
