Ever fantasize about a cat fight between JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon and Citadel founder Ken Griffin? Fantasize no longer-- we'll get to see the middle aged men pulling each other's hair and rolling around on the floor of [neutral territory that doesn't come to mind] yet. According to the Post, Dimon is royally PO'd at Griffin for hiring JPMorgan fixed-income chief Patrik Edsparr, who'll start as chief of Citadel's European division in July.
Awkwardly, Edsparr, who hadn't yet figured out the best way to break the news to his boss (I always find a sheet cake helps), was forced to tell execs at JPM about his new gig on March 14, when they asked him to come over from London to work on the Bear deal. Even though Griffin is said to be calling execs at the firms from which he is poaching talent to "smooth over ruffled feathers," and may have rung up JPMorgan to ask "We cool?", insiders say Dimon is very upset and has spent the last month self-medicating by plowing through trays of spanakopita and stacks of Bear pink slips, while trying to figure how to make Griffin pay.
This is all so reminscent of a little tiff over personnel between Griffin and Third Point founder Daniel Loeb, 'cept Dimon hasn't emailed Griffin to say that any attempts to hire JPMorgan employees or "friends [of JPMorgan] in the event driven space" will be considered "an act of war." Yet. Should it come to that, though, Griffin need only take the same course of action he did with Loeb, which would be to do nothing. Yes, people, what we're getting at, and you know it pains us think of the Loeb/Griffin cage match that will never be, is that the hedge fund managers have made nice, after a year or so of wanting to scratch each other's eyes out. According to the interested parties, a few months ago, Loeb sent copies of a book about wellness/the vegan lifestyle to Griffin, among other top managers. In Kenny-boy's, DL apparently included "a nice note" about how he's mellowed a lot since cutting artery-clogging animals out of his diet, and would like to let bygones be bygones. Griffin said he'd like that, too, and now, together, they're working on how to approach Steve Cohen about losing the high fructose corn syrup.**
Anyway, Dimon. Take the same approach. Let all the death threats go to the spam folder, ignore the evil eyes, don't take the shipments by the case of Vermont Teddy Bears made to look like contract killers personally. Allow Big D to get the anger out of his system. Then, when he's let it go and wants to be friends again, make him feel safe by nodding encouragingly as he speaks at length about something he's passionate about, like the BSC chotchkes he snapped up from eBay "on the cheap." If it worked with Loeb, it'll surely work with Dimon, a heaping pile of softness compared to the Hebrew Rambo.
**Know how sometimes I make stuff up just 'cause I'm bored? Not doing that here. Wish I were doing that here but I'm not. Except for the part about Cohen. That part, I confess is only real in the mind of Bess Levin. Though, I think you'll agree with me when I say it's not such a bad idea.