Not Enough Cock, Coke or Money: The Few Things That Didn't Suck about CNBC's Seth Tobias Special

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Let me tell you a little something about CNBC’s For the Love of Money: The Death of Seth Tobias-- it was awesome. April Fool’s! The thing sucked. And I say that as the person probably most excited about it outside of the regulars at Cupid’s, who’ve gotten some great publicity out of this whole thing, and were having a special on lap dances all week to celebrate. I actually left a friend’s birthday party with the excuse that I had to get home to catch the next showing, having seemingly sacrificed far too much by being out at nine when it first aired. My people don’t really read DealBreaker and had never heard of this Seth Tobias of which I spoke, an ignorance I envy. (This is really a bizarre little world I’m not even a part of but am forced to write about M-F, isn’t it? And lately, terrifyingly, I’ve found myself in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome situation. Walking down the street the other day, someone was saying how random it is that all these Capital One branches seem to be popping up out of nowhere, and one of my non-reading friends, thinking I could shed some light was like, “Bess, what’s up with that?” and I was like, “Bitch, we do not write about retail.”) Anyway, Tobias—I told them, “Can’t explain, gotta go!” and hauled ass back to my apartment, thinking I was about to settle in for the greatest story of our time. Turned out to be the most disappointing.
‘Member our coverage of the Tobias case? The hour was basically that, but with a painful amount of publicity for CNBC (old clips of commentator Tobias on the air that had nothing to do with anything) spliced in. Don’t get me wrong—I loved our coverage and review it daily. But I expected more. I expected Tiger dancing in a thong. I expected Tobias dancing in a thong. I expected Haines dancing in a thong. I expected a Food Network-like showing of Andrew Ross Sorkin preparing the Ambien-laced pasta alla vodka that Tobias’s wife Filomena made for him the night he died. But none of it, FFS. Anyway, I don't want to end this day on a negative, so herewith, I present to you, my bulleted list of reasons the special *didn't* suck:


-Brief footage of Tobias on some sort of “cooking” show stuffing hot dogs in buns.
-Interviews with a car dealer in Palm Beach who looks a lot like James Caan, and is said to be a close personal friend of Filomena. Of the widow, Car Dealer says: “she’s a free-spirited, fun-loving girl.”
-B-roll of Car Dealer driving an Infiniti.
-The description of Tobias as a "hard charging financial TV commentator by day, not so closeted homosexual by night,” which got me wondering, who else that description could work for? (Blarney)
-When my neighbors come home and are being so loud that I can hear every single word of their conversation and not the show, and I start blasting Positive K’s, “I Got A Man,” cause two can play at that game.
-When my neighbor knocks on my door and I don’t open it all the way because at that moment they were showing shots of Tobias’s stripper boyfriend Tiger, except that offering commentary at the time is Billy Ash, who, if you’ll recall, has the highest pitched, creepiest voice on the planet (described by Tiger as sounding like “a very very gay Italian person”) so now the neighb. thinks I had a Larry Robbins in there.
-Every time the Ambien-laced last meal of pasta alla vodka is mentioned they flash a grainy “reenactment” of…a plate of pasta (suspiciously missing sauce—fucking CNBC).
-Comment by Mark Haines: “I was blown away! Truly! I had to sit down.”
-The photos of Billy Ash dressed up for Mardi Gras, we’d already seen but enjoyed nonetheless, in addition to the one of him posing in front of a grand piano.
-Andrew Ross Sorkin telling CNBC that when he flew down to Florida for the story he, “spoke to all [Seth’s] friends,” then winking suggestively.
-Recordings of Filomena and Ash talking after the incident, and A telling F to “"snap out of it bitch"
-CNBC showing up to Billy Ash’s condo and being told by the police, “If you step one foot closer he’s going to file a restraining order and we’ll make an arrest.” CNBC SHOT DOWN.

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