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OK, Union Bank of Don Rickles, How's This For Comedy: Your Stock's Down 24% YTD


Well, I just had a lovely conversation with UBS’s head of investment bank corporate communications. She was calling to ream me out about our Rock Band story from yesterday, because apparently it has to do with charity—the tryouts were for a competition being held during a May 6th dinner, at which UBS is being named the recipient of the “Heart of Gold Award” by the Volunteer Center of Southwestern Fairfield County—and we made light of the auditions, held in the UBS cafeteria. She mentioned several times that our insinuation that the whole thing was really a prescreening for upcoming layoffs “wasn’t amusing at all.” In my defense, none of the tipsters who told us about the auditions mentioned anything about charity, which we rarely, if ever, poke fun at. I should have done my due diligence, but the notion, while silly, that UBS would be putting together a Rock Band team to compete against other local businesses, not unlike a corporate softball team, didn’t seem that far fetched. Nor did the conspiracy theory that senior execs had taken our December suggestion that firms ought to play one big game of Assassin to determine who gets laid off seriously, decided to run with it, and put their own musical spin on things.
Also in my defense? That post was moderately funny. I’m comfortable saying that. If it wasn’t “amusing” enough for you, well, then I guess you’re a more critical arbiter of comedy than me. The bottom line is that the purpose of this site is to offer funny stuff about finance. If yesterday’s piece wasn’t good enough for you, Chuckles, tell you what—you write something "amusing" about UBS, and I’d be more than happy to put it up. Either that, or eat 250 oysters. Until then, get out of my face.
Related: UBS’s Fetish For Using Dulcet Tones As A Salve To Ease Sack-Rippingly Bad News
*But, seriously, it's nice that you do charity.


What Are Your Thoughts On Fly Fishing With Paul Volcker?

Just you, PV, a friend you deem worthy to tag along and the open water. You can talk about life, fish, and what banking was like in the fifties. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? Would you go so far as to call it a dream of yours?

How Your CNBC Sausage Gets Made (Update)

Step 1: Come up with story idea, say, about how small businesses are being hurt due to the NBA lockout Step 2: Reach out to Twitter followers, ask them to corroborate said story Step 3: Wait. Step 4: Practice asking Kate Upton to be your Valentine. ["Will you, Kaaa" voice cracks. "Will you, Kate Upton.." No, that's stupid. "Kate I would be most honored if you.."] Step 5: Daydream about how you and "Katie" will tell your families you eloped. Step 6: Marvel at your good fortune when a guy, who in real life is a bored teenager but over the internet seems like a legit businessman, emails you to say that he runs an escort service in New York, "mostly for away team players after games but some Knicks and Nets too; they are high rollers and I'm not getting the constant business I that I need to stay running." Step 7: Double fist pump the air and shout "Yes, D-Rove, you got this!" Step 8: Breathe, tell yourself to calm down and reel it in. Step 9: Put on your reporter hat and ask "Henry James" some questions like, "How much money would say you're losing? What cut do you then get? What is the cheapest woman and what is the most expensive woman? I assume it's by the hour and what is the typical # of hours?" Step 10: Make no attempt to verify source is who he says he is, that his business exists, that you're not being taken for a ride. Step 11: Cut, print. How A Teenager With A Fake Escort Service Duped Darren Rovell And CNBC [Deadspin] Related: SI Swimsuit Model Doesn’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Weird With CNBC Reporter Because He’s Known Her Since She Was 17