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The Softer Side, With Steve in Stamford

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It’s lately come to our attention that the vast majority of our readers have problems. Issues. Things that need fixing. Some of them are occupational (“I just got fired from Bear and no one’ll take my calls!”), some sexual (“The only time I’m able to have sex with my girlfriend is when I’m thinking about Chuck Prince”), some moral (“I’ve been invited to a six-week long bridge tournament; I really want to go but my company’s in the shitter—what should I do?”). We want to help but can’t because I would give bad advice on purpose for yuks, and no one would ever go to Blarney for life guidance. Still, we can’t have you guys up and offing yourselves—it would be bad for ad sales and who would correct our spelling errors, you know? We’d have to get a copy editor or something. So we’re starting an advice column but we’re outsourcing the dispensing of advice. We searched long and hard for the perfect candidate for the job and after several rounds of interviews and five blind taste tests, we finally found our guy. He works at a pretty paranoid company so we can’t tell you who he is, but you’ll probably figure it out over time. For now, we’ll just call him “Steve in Stamford.” Herewith, our first question. It comes from reader “LV,” who’s currently employed at a bulge bracket bank on Park.

Dear Steven in Stamford,
I got an email from this sophomore girl at Colby who is looking for an unpaid internship this summer. Looking at her resume, though, I’m kind of at a loss. She’s young, from Tennessee, went to prep school in CT, and her jobs include "scooper at Ben and Jerry’s". I can’t really pass this along around here. What am I to do??
LV on P

Dear LV on P,
I’ve given this a lot of though and it seems as though you’re shit out of luck. It sort of sounds as though you’d like to boink this girl, am I right? That’s what I’m gathering, anyway. But, lesbionic, the only way that’d happen is if you were able to get her a summer slot at your firm, and it doesn’t seem like Lolita has shot in hell. But you still need to B a N. I’ve been in this situation before. My advice would be to tell her you’ve circulated her resume, and then begin a flirtation via email. In a couple weeks, ask her to come into the city for a preliminary interview. This’ll necessitate setting up your apartment to look like an office which will require a capital investment in a couple of empty boxes but will be well worth it. I don’t know how much you want to spend but, personally, back when I rolled like that, I found a nice shark tank was quite the aphrodisiac. Sadly, I'm past those days, what with the wife and kids, fortress and armed guards, and enough estrogen coursing through my veins that I cry at Dove commercials. However, I might have a position she can fill, since one thing on the CV caught my eye: Ice Cream Scooper at B&J's. I turn the idiot box to the View between 11 and 12 every day, and would love to have someone spoon feed me Phish Food and Chubby Hubby and talk girl talk. Send her my way.
Hope this helped,
S in S
Do you have a problem no MD or box of Entenmanns’s can solve? Send it to the next best thing: Steve in Stamford. You can email him at tips at dealbreaker dot com, or leave a message on the tape at 203 890 2000.
Steve in Stamford is employed at a hedge fund in the tri-state area. In June, HarperCollins will publish his first self-help book, "Cookie Crumbs on My Shirt: Don't Sweat The Small Stuff."