Area Man Threatens To Out-Toilet Stevie Cohen

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Trouble in hedge fund land. Greenwich residents are terrified that would-be new neighbor, Russian millionaire Valery Kogan, will make them look bad (read: poor) by building a proposed 54,000 square foot mansion with two wings, "extensive" subterranean space, and room for up to 300 guests, which will clearly dwarf their own homes, relative shacks compared to the behemoth.

Though they claim their protests are merely matters of (a) taste ("`It looks like they want to duplicate the Winter Palace here in Greenwich,'' said Leslie McElwreath. ``It'll be an eyesore.''), (b) safety ("This is a road where our kids learn to ride bikes, rollerblade, and people take walks,'' said Morris Sachs, a trader at Brevan Howard.) and (c) not being summarily drowned while taking part in a pissing contest (``This is going to be a palace on a postage stamp,'' Charles Lee said. ``It's too much."), those intimately familiar with the gastrointestinal habits of SAC Capital Founder Steve Cohen know better.

Though never stated outright, the real problem with Kogan's house is that it is slated to contain 26 toilets. And though it has many, many WC's, Steve Cohen's home does not have 26. Were Kogan to start building without making some edits first, he would not only be embarrassing Cohen in his own domain, he would be breaking a law, which the residents quoted by Bloomberg are trying to uphold. Section 182, clause 17 of the Greenwich town code clearly states that "no home shall exceed the number of waste-removal stations as are found at Casa Cohen."

Interestingly enough, Cohen, who is not cited in the article, is said to have zero problem with any other aspect of Kogan's dream home. "He could build a domicile three times the size of Stevie's, with 40 master bedrooms to Steve's 2, 16 refrigerators to Steve's 12, and 2 ice rink's to Steve's 1," a friend of a friend of a friend told DealBreaker. "It's the toilets he cares about. Just the toilets."

Empathizing with the big guy, CNBC on-air editor Charlie Gasparino commented that he "fully understands where Cohen's coming from." Pausing momentarily to enjoy a paper-thin slice of salami he'd cut moments earlier on the deli meat slicer he'd won in a bet with his local butcher, Gasparino added, "Bathrooms are extremely important to me. I live in a studio, but it's got 4 cans. And I think that because so much of my identity is tied to my obsession with being 'regular,' I'd probably feel threatened if the guy next door had 5. I know it sounds crazy, but it'd be like I was less of a man or something."

Greenwich Resists Plan for 26-Toilet Home in Hedge-Fund Capital [Bloomberg]

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Greenwich, Connecticut Nobody Threatening To Dethrone Area Hedge Fund Manager As Biggest Middle-Aged Superhero Fan In Town

Exhibit A: Friday morning at AQR, August 10. Cliff Asness glanced pensively at a candy-colored array of Marvel superhero figurines lined up along his east-facing window. Spiderman. Captain America. The Hulk. Iron Man. Comic book heroes of his boyhood days on Long Island.--The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 100. On an August morning, Asness walks to his sun-dappled office windowsill and picks up a Captain America action figure. The hedge-fund mogul owns a panoply of action heroes, from the Hulk to the Silver Surfer, and the comic books that spawned them.--Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010 "Hedge funds charge far too much in general by claiming to be geniuses," says Asness, lounging on a sofa in his corner office, surrounded by foot-high plastic models of comic book heroes.--Fortune, December 19, 2011 As a child, Clifford Scott Asness gave no sign of his future as a Wall Street tycoon. He was born in October 1966 in Queens, New York. When he was four, his family moved to the leafy suburban environs of Roslyn Heights on Long Island. In school Asness received good grades, but his interest in Wall Street didn’t extend beyond the dark towers of Gotham in the pages of Batman. Obsessed with little besides girls and comic books, Asness was a listless teenager, without direction and somewhat overweight. At times he showed signs of a violent temper that would erupt years later when he sat at the helm of his own hedge fund.--The Quants, by Scott Patterson, page 12. “His super-villains are intellectual dishonesty and ignorance,” says Jonathan Beinner, a managing director at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and a former classmate of Asness. “When someone offers an opinion that Cliff feels is incorrect or dishonest, whether it be related to investments, politics or pizza, he feels it is his duty to stand up, even if it’s not in his best interest.” Asness admits to a superhero complex. His favorite Marvel comic book character is Captain America, who gains strength with the help of a secret serum and whose shield can be used as an indestructible weapon. Asness has an image of the shield tattooed on his left arm.--Bloomberg Markets Magazine, October 7, 2010 Exhibit B: The above is a rendering of a Batcave that will soon be built in the home of an unnamed Greenwich resident. When it is completed in Novemeber, the spread will include "a Batcomputer, Batmobile, Batsuits, 180 degree film screen, sound effects, gargoyles and even a Bat-themed elevator." The problem? This guy is not only infringing on Asness's territory as resident super hero obsessive/aficionado/scholar-in-residence/neighbor who dresses up and role-plays his character of choice but is apparently too cowardly to show his face or reveal his name so that Cliff might confront him. The other problem? Captain America doesn't have some kind of cool underground lair setup of his own. The only recourse? Someone spends the next couple weeks writing a series of fan fiction that describes his house, and then spends $20 million to have that built. Greenwich Resident Building $2 Million Batcave In Home [CTNews] Dark Knight superfan spends $2MILLION creating home cinema replica of Bruce Wayne's cave [DM]