A lot of you have been wondering if C’s new slogan, “Citi Never Sleeps” is for real. It is. I know it’s a stretch to ask a rational human being to accept, but stay with me, ‘cause it’s all about to make sense.
Sources tell DealBreaker (enough with the anonymity, talkin’ Jimmy Cayne here, informant #1**) that the new tagline is the first step in Vikram Pandit’s “Double Secret Plot To Golden Parachute” plan. You see, reader, Vik is smart enough to recognize that there’s no way to fix the train wreck that is Citi. The inevitable end game of this folly is “I get shitcanned and get my payout.” And, as an astute businessman, Vik knows that the sooner he gets fired, the less the board can hold him accountable for, and “the more loot Vickie keepie.” He's got a much stronger case to demand mucho dinero after 6 to 8 months of inane ideas and stock price dropping directives ("come in to work on no sleep! It'll help us to better assess risk!") than after three years.
Which is why, as fast as he and the brain trust can come up with them, he's implementing as many stupid ideas as possible, and has even set up a tips line that the public can use to proffer suggestions (we'll send over any worthy ideas from the comments section this afternoon, so start thinking). As Cayne tells us, “It’s basically Vik’s ‘accelerated path' to joining his boys—me and Stan, no Prince—in Maury Povich’s basement.” Cayne added that while he's "skeptical" that Pandit will be able to approach "Jimmy levels of fuck up," he supports VP's plan wholeheartedly, "'cause we're running low on snacks, and the two-- yes two-- assistants Bear's still got working for me act all put out when you ask them to make chip runs."
**in my mind.