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Too Full To Fail?

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I've got some news and you're not going to like it. Yesterday's attempt by FTN analyst Tim, to eat one of every item in his office's vending machine, was a failure. By 5 pm, T-bone had only consumed 27 snacks, leaving behind two bags of Lays, two bags of Doritos, Funyons, Fritos, Ruffles, and one of those cheese snack situations (you know, with the plastic paddle). Some are saying, in his defense, that the challenge was actually "much harder than you'd think--like drinking a gallon of milk in an hour or something." Others (me) are saying, not in his defense, you had the whole damn day! It's a lot of food and, yes, the combination of cheese puffs with anything is slightly sickening but Jesus! I'm more sickened by the fact that an ex-frat boy can't consume a measly 35 items in 8 hours. Has he no pride? What was the thought process here? Yeah, maybe it was going to hurt, but how in the hell do you let yourself stop eight items short? How do you look that bag of Fritos in the eye and say "No, I can't," let alone your colleagues?
Here's what-- you people need to redeem this kid. I want every single firm on Wall Street to nominate one of its employees (interns count) to eat one of every item in the vending machine. Then, send us his/her time. We will post the results by the end of the day. The winner will receive a cheesesteak, a cheesecake, and an inscribed golden vomit bag (which you won't need because this isn't even that hard). In the meantime, I'm going to see if we can find out what Charlie Gasparino thinks of this weak show. It might seem like he's the only one we've been hitting up for quotes these last couple days but try and tell me you care about anyone else's opinion but his when it comes to bench pressing and food eating contests.