WASPs Offended By Steve Schwarzman's Gaucherie, Jewy-ness

Author:
Updated:
Original:

As you know, Blackstone CEO Steve Schwarzman recently donated $100 million to the New York Public Library and as a gesture of thanks, the institution is renaming the place after him. And that's making some people very angry, or as angry as people who don't raise their voices in private, whose body temperatures hover around 73.5 degrees Fahrenheit, and who remain contained within their personal Cheeveresque hells will allow themselves to get.


"It is an act of the worst kind of buffoonery," one WASP told Vanity Fair writer Jamie Johnson of the matter, quite nearly blowing a gasket. Mustering up even more indignation over the fact that the house of books will soon be called the Schwarz-y Boy Public Library, he added, "Schwarzman is horrid."
Apparently, according to another member of the city's "senior WASP circle," Schwarzman's status as a menorah-wielding Heeb isn't the problem. It's simply an issue of good taste versus bad taste, up versus down, in versus out, big nose verus small nose. "The Astors knew to put their name on the inside," he said.
A third WASP, perhaps even more deeply offended than his old chums from Hitler Youth Camp, but intent on setting the record straight pointed out that while he has sympathy people like Schwarzman, who can't help not knowing any better, they've really done this to themselves. "...It's not WASPs giving Jews a bad name, it's Jews giving Jews a bad name," he explained, while raising his right arm at an angle of about 45 degrees above the horizontal and slightly sideways to the right. "The fact of the matter is that we always knew there were Jews among us on the rare occasions we set foot in the place--you know, for a benefit or something--but this just takes it too far. We might as well slap a yellow star on the side of the building. [Pauses, makes mental note to find out if this is possible.] And we WASPs are approaching this entirely selflessly, since it's not as though we actually patronize the library. Really, we're thinking about the blacks here. Bet you didn't see that one coming."
Schwarzman would not comment on the vulgarity (probably out of shame-- he knows what he did!), and the N.Y.P.L only told VF, "you're not likely to get much out of the library on this." We do hear, however, that as a concession to the offended parties, Schwarzland will introduce The Poisonous Mushroom to the children's reading room, which should provide a decent enough salve. Though one wonders what the reaction from the WASP community will be when they find out that all branches will be lowering their shelves to the eye-level of Schwarzman, 5'6", and his kind, rendering the place a relative dwarf colony.
Earlier: Caption Contest Tuesday: "Where's the Ladder for the Books on the Big People Shelves?"
Jamie Johnson: Wasps Stung over Renaming of the N.Y.P.L. [Vanity Fair]

Related