Skip to main content

Who Are Wall Street's Biggest (And Smallest) Dicks?

  • Author:
  • Updated:

Earlier today we were pointed in the direction of and our initial thought: fantastic. As its name would suggest, it's a site based on the Wikipedia model, but confined to entries on people who are dicks. What fun! We've long kept running tallies of the various dicks we know in our mind, so to put it down on the internet was the next logical step we hadn't yet had the initiative to take. There's only one very glaring problem. Specifically, an omission that cannot be overlooked.

Dicks are sorted by the industries in which the ply their trades: political dicks, media dicks, sports dicks, entertainment dicks, international figurehead dicks and those which defy categorization, miscellaneous dicks. That's right--NO CATEGORY FOR FINANCE DICKS. Mind blowing, right? Shouldn't this have been class numero uno? The original dicks? The dicks from which all other categories of dicks take their cues? The answers are yes, and hell fucking yes, and, obviously, this was an issue that needed to be rectified immediately.
But in trying to figure out who should make the cut, I soon realized that it's not so simple--every single person who works on Wall Street deserves a place on this list (except Vikram Pandit). So here's how we're going to do it--bond ratings style. For example, Jimmy Cayne would clearly fall under the category of AAA Finance Dick, if he still worked in finance. I leave it to you to create a AAA Finance Dick Emeriti category, which should be overflowing with entries. Angelo "People Who Can't Pay Their Mortgages That I Convinced Them To Take Out Are Disgusting" Mozilo is definitely a AAA, as is Destroyer of all worlds/marine life/investor capital Brian Hunter. But from here it gets hard. You'd think Alan Greenspan would get a triple rating, but because he pretended to prop up the economy for all those years, receives a AA. Carl Icahn comes off as pretty jerky, but nowhere near approaches the levels of Cayne. So I'm going to issue him an A. All third year analysts at UBS are BB-rated.
Of course, as your humble servant who merely perches on the periphery of this thing, I can really only assign ratings for the best-known dicks out there. I need YOU to help identify and appraise the relative dickery of the lesser known but still investment grade dicks out there. I trust that there are at least several dicks within the DealBreaker audience willing to offer ratings services on bosses, colleagues, clients. Is the guy sitting next to you a BBB or a CC? Let us know. No dick is too small for consideration.


Hillary Clinton And Wall Street Are Officially The Ross And Rachel of Politics

Can we stop with the "Is Hillary too close to Wall Street?" already? Of course she is, and it doesn't matter.