Skip to main content

And We're Back

  • Author:
  • Updated:

What transpired in the 4 hours since Count Vikula hacked into our system and shut this place down?
-- Massage enthusiast Jeffrey Epstein pleaded guilty to paying underage girls to awkwardly stand by while he jerked off into a towel. He was sentenced to 18 months in prison, plus a year of house arrest, and will be given the official title of sex offender. Adding insult to injury is the news that he will definitely not have the scratch to take up with the prosts, at least not with the same vigor, following the hard time. Epstein lost $57 million as "Major Investor No.1" in the Bear Stearns hedge funds.
-- Vanity Fair/Bear blamed CNBC, where "there is simply no adult supervision," for BSC going down, and also claimed that a group of hedge fund managers celebrated the collapse at a breakfast the following Sunday morning during which they "planned a similar assault on Lehman" for the following week BUT FAILED TO TELL US WHAT THEY ATE.
-- We received cloak and dagger emails from a few of you about "something happening at Lehman."
-- Carney, as one of you guessed, staged a Free Epstein rally, topless, while I watched one of the best "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" episodes ever, "Charlie Wants An Abortion." If you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing and rectify that now. My favorite part is this little bit of dialogue (looking for a clip) between Mac and Meg, a pro-lifer he's trying to bed, at an abortion clinic protest:

Mac: [yelling outside an abortion clinic] Pro-choice is pro-death!
Megan: Wow! Great rhetoric!
Mac: Thank you.
Megan: Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?
Mac: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore...
[pulls out a paper and gives it to Megan]
Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.
[cuts to shot of them going at it in car]