Yesterday, Banker's Ball "introduced" us to Mr. Junk Bond, and the poor investment choice that is dating him. Charming, unpredictable, decisive and intense, Mr. JB starts off a Ba/BB, but quickly gets downgraded to Caa/CCC when he fails to remember your name. Due to various other transgressions, a D rating is not too far off. Like looking in a mirror, wasn't it? Anyway, today we're giving it to you from the other side. Will, our Senior Man on Woman Correspondent, has categorized the constituents of femalekind according to what instrument they resemble. Enjoy.
The High Yield Debt ("Junk Bond"): The untamed and often uncontrollable vixen, commonly referred to as the mistress. She's not looking for any long term investment, but she could offer a mind-blowing weekend in Maui, as long as she doesn't pick up the tab. There is no middle ground with these types--they enjoy either the high flying adventure or nothing at all; they come with a price. If their partner slips up in any way or ceases to perform, she will immediately default, leaving a trail of broken hearts in her often destructive path. The Junk Bond is perfect for the young and the immature--those who have not experienced the ups and downs of the dating world and simply want to reap the benefits of lust and adventure. They won't stick around to raise your children, but they will give you a great escape from them.
The Investment Grade Security: The 1950's housewife. She's quiet, calm, sweet, and patient; she'll never get too riled up and will stick with you even in the worst of times. Considered by many to be the ideal wife and future mother of one's children. Perfect for the well seasoned and experienced individual--one who has seen the highs and lows of the dating scene and is ready to settle down into a stable, committed relationship. They'll never make you rich, but will also never let you down.
The Bridge Loan: Perfect for the recovering heart-broken man. She is generally kind and gentle, often not requiring much from her partner, but generally giving exactly what is needed--a short term tryst that will leave her partner confident and more experienced upon her leave. She rarely leaves a trail of broken hearts in her wake because she always has the grace to end the relationship amicably. In fact, many men call upon the bridge loan several times in their lives for quick fixes to broken hearts. She, being the selfless type, is always willing to accommodate.
The Asset Based Revolver ("ABR"): The ABR is the trickiest of all the breeds of women--often the most superficial, but generally the most desirable by those with great ambition. She can help her partner reap great benefits, but can take them away just as quickly. She is a social climber, socialista, and often the life of the party--constantly armed with Christian Louboutins stilettos, Balenciaga handbags, and a perfectly sculpted slender body accented with wildly untamed hair. She will make an initial investment in various types of men, but will only stay with those who continually build upon their fortunes. Any faltering in realized ambition will cause her to immediately walk away, taking with her not only her partner's pride, but often a significant portion of his assets--not to mention his social circle. She carries great penalties, but for the ambitious, she will give continually greater rewards proportionate to her partner's increased net worth. Great marriage material for the superficial and ambitious men of the world, but be warned: If she files for divorce, the consequences will be catastrophic.
The Convertible Bond: Often the most complex and difficult to value of the group, but just as often the most desired. Generally referred to as proverbial "hooker with a heart of gold." Upon first glance, she is often seen as being merely rentable material--a short term fling that rarely sticks around for the duration. But, hidden within the lust-inducing exterior, is a hidden gem of warmth with the heart of a housewife and a fealty that will tame even the most promiscuous of men. She is perfect for the post-player type; she will lure her partner in with her sexual prowess but because of her loyalty and kindness, will often be invited by her partner to share in his future growth.
The Subordinated Debt: Generally the second, third, fourth, etc. wife. She's often a short term fix to a misguided life, frequently brought about by some midlife crisis filled with dreams of reinvention. Arriving in the picture only after her partner has already made his considerable wealth, she rarely reaps the financial benefits of the first wife, to whom her partner owed the most, and to whom her partner always gave, and will continue to give, the most. The subordinated debt will generally have to sign a bullet-proof prenuptial agreement that will reap her modest, but never outsized returns upon the almost guaranteed divorce. She's perfect for the self-made man who needs the affection of a beautiful (and often younger) woman and the appearance of stability with a marriage. The subordinated debt is always hoping that upon her partner's death, she will be favored in the will, but she is always disappointed when the children from the first marriage get the lion's share of the wealth.
The LEAP Option: The consummate "friend with benefits." Perfect for a good heart to heart, but also equally great for a weekend rendezvous or a late night hook-up. Her partner has borne his soul to her and she has borne hers to him, but they've always gone their separate ways to explore other relationships. She, however, is always in the back of her partner's mind as a potential life-long mate. And if her partner determines she is "in the money," he will forsake all others just for her. Because there is already intimacy between them (and often years of affection) the love blossoms immediately between the LEAP and her partner. The relationship often begins with the partner making a grand romantic gesture of his undying love filled with a blabbering speech about how he has been a fool for not realizing it before--a sentiment which is often reciprocated freely by the LEAP. For this reason, the engagement period for the LEAP is generally short and the relationship tends to weather the tests of time. Perfect for the commitment phobic types who can never quite let their guards down, but who also have a secret and deep sense of romance.
The Collateralized Debt Obligation: Upon first glance she's the debutant donned in pearls. The perfect specimen of woman, whose high cheekbones and slender waist immediately bring to mind images of summering the Hamptons, sailing on the Cape, and professionally photographed images of a family-to-be (golden retriever included) lounging aside the dock, shoeless and dressed in seersucker. A perfect marriage candidate for any man desirous of merging his life with that of a well-bred woman whose pedigree includes a generous trust fund compounded by generations of wealth. But behind the ribbons and pearls, she is a soul-sucking black widow--the most frightening of all the types. She grew up on the wrong side of the tracks (probably in a trailer park) listening to "Fancy" while dreaming of seducing heads of states and CEOs. Though she hasn't a penny to her name, she is able to lure the most talented of men with her well trained charm that effortlessly conceals her subprime roots. All should be wary of this type, though most will never know they have encountered a CDO until their bank accounts are empty, their house is in her name, and she is speeding off in the benz with the tennis pro.