The other day we asked you to please, for the love of god, start coming up with some food challenges for your interns (or selves) to compete in, the purposes of which would be amusement for all, a good use of your time, and an effective way of establishing rank. While we love the initiative exhibited by Bank of America this morning, the overall execution of their mission left something to be desired. I'm going to tell you about it now so that we can learn from BoA's mistakes (which might date back to HR's intern screening process) and strive to do better in next time (though, as I think you'll soon agree, it would be damn near impossible to do worse).
Last evening, a bunch of analysts from one group decided that their two interns would compete in an Egg McMuffin eating challenge. It wasn't until about an hour later that one of the plebes spoke up and said he would "get sick" if he ate eggs, so extra cheese was added in their place. This was a harbinger of the lamery that was to come.
This morning the interns were each given five McMuffins to race to complete, with a maximum of thirty minutes to finish. This proved too difficult. They were then granted an extra ten minutes. Again, failure. Finally, it was decided that the first to successfully ingest four would win.
Are you ready for what the winning time was? I mean, really ready? 'Cause unless you've got a vomit bag, I don't think you're adequately prepared.
FIFTY MINUTES. It took the "winner" FIFTY MINUTES to eat FOUR NON-EGG McMuffins. Pretty much makes you want to vom, doesn't it? You're in good company, because according to one of the overseers of the event, the "winner" just asked if he could go throw up. He was told that he loses if he does. Meaning that the other intern who ATE THREE McMUFFINS AND THEN GAVE UP would be declared the winner.
Honestly, I don't even really know what to say here. I'm sure your mouths are equally agape, as they well should be. Five Egg McMuffins is not hard. Five Egg McMuffins is child's play. Five Egg McMuffins constitutes a pre-breakfast appetizer for Oyster Boy.
But I don't want to be too hard on the kids. I'll leave that to their superior who noted, "It was abysmal. I'm actually embarrassed to be associated with [the thing]..."
Okay. Moving forward, when we do this, let's really do this. The problem here today is not that the interns failed, but that they failed at a challenge you and I both know could be accomplished by even those without the steeliest of stomachs. These contests don't need to be crazy or out of the box (though of course that would be welcome), but they do need to be made marginally difficult by either a. sheer volume or b. disgustingness. Yeah, someone could get hurt, but someone could also, ever after, be known as the 'tern who funneled a gallon of milk laced with pickle juice in a record-setting time of ten minutes thirty seven seconds and who earned the on-air praise of Charlie Gasparino. Bigger risk, bigger reward and all that shit. Now get out there and eat 5 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise as fast as you can. CG's waiting to break the story.