Skip to main content

Help Us Solve The Case

  • Author:
  • Updated:

The U.S. Marshals Service is still hot on the trail of Sam Israel III, the convicted former hedge fund manger who no one believes committed suicide. A wanted poster from last week noted that the industry's biggest M*A*S*H fan has two tattoos, one on his left arm and one on his hip. Today brings word that the arm ink is that of a bird, though it doesn't say what kind. Those of you on (fake) suicide watch, however, will recall that Israel's business card also had a bird on it. Not being ordained ornithologists ourselves, at the time, we guessed it was a pelican. Oh how wrong we were. Luckily, one of you dabbles in bird porn and did not give us a free pass. To the guy who dressed me down with the comment, "egret [bitch]'s an egret...[get it fucking right, you stupid whore]," please come forward and dazzle us with further displays of your intellectual plumage. Completely sincerely: you are (intentionally or unintentionally) the funniest person on this thing. I just wanted to tell you that. Moving on.
Putting two and two together, we feel confident the bird tattoo on Israel's arm is that of an e to the gret, which he clearly fetishizes. But what in god's name is the tattoo on his hip? What is so deviant that it needs to be concealed from the public? We have some good leads, but we and the U.S. Marshals would like your input. So:

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Wanted by the U.S. Marshals: Samuel Israel III [U.S. Marshals Office]