I need to come clean with all of you about something. You know what it is. Seth Tobias. More specifically, my avoidance of the most recent Seth Tobias news. CNBC reported this morning that two sides, clearly delineated by bros (Tobias's brothers) v. hos (Tobias's widow Filomena), had reached an out-of-court settlement over the deceased Circle T founder's estate, avoiding a "tabloid trial." Therein lies the problem, and the source of the emotional hole I've been in for the last eight hours. Avoid a tabloid trial? Excuse me, but what the fuck?
This was supposed to be the tabloid trial of the century! We were supposed to see a thong-wearing Tiger show the jury how he danced for Tobias at Cupids. We were supposed to see a thong-wearing Tobias dancing for investors in his office (video footage, of course, unless the trial that never will be was going to prove even sicker than we could've possibly dreamed). We were supposed to see a thong-wearing Haines, filling air-time between testimony, dancing for Erin Burnett and the Squawk on the Street viewers at large. As the days and weeks dragged on, Andrew Ross Sorkin was going to spice things up with a Food Network-esque appearance on Street Signs, preparing the Ambien-laced pasta alla vodka that Tobias's wife Filomena made for him the night he died. No doubt the biggest heartbreak of it all was the cutting down of star ascendant John Carney, who was not only slated to stand in for Tobias during court room reenactments, but had also just landed the plum role of ST for Lifetime original movie, For The Love Of Cock And Coke: The Seth Tobias Story. No third act = project shelved = Carney's lifelong dream in shambles. And in its place we get: nothing, and not only that, we don't even get any sideshow antics from gay pimp Billy Ash, who has quite obviously been silenced (you know he would've emailed us about this shit in a heartbeat if he were allowed).
Tobias Estate Case Wraps Up with Settlement [CNBC]